They’ll find Bigfoot before they find a Smoothie store that’s been open for more than 2 years.
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One of the meatballs
I made rolls off his plate bounces off the floor and back onto the plateMe: that wasn’t even close to five seconds…you can still eat that
me: i need to leave early
boss: why
me: i don’t like it here
If your 8 year old steps on the back of my shoe one more time, I’m going to tell him that Santa isn’t real.
Honestly, my biggest fear about becoming a zombie is all the socializing.
*first day as Robin Hood
“Ok, this is a TERRIBLE business model.”
THERAPIST: your problem is, that youre perfect, and everyone is jealous of your good posts, and that makes you rightfully upset.
ME: I agree
Dropped ice in the kitchen?
Kick it under the fridge.Dropped a baby in the kitchen?
Kick it under the fridge.
I’m not much of a wrestler, can this alligator play badminton?
white people love ordering something that’s meant to be eaten with rice without rice and then waking up the next day not being able to open their eyes because of sodium bloat and being like why is korean food so salty like you ate enough kimchi jjigae for a family of 5 martha
Finally a use for spoilers…
Found the book “How to solve half your problems.” So I bought two of them.
I envy the women who can bite their bottom lip and look sexy. I do that and it’s a toss up between “does she need to go to the bathroom and is lost?” Or “is she getting that piece of corn out from her teeth?”
An app that makes the sound of a door slamming when you hang up on someone who pissed you off.
I just flashed a goofy smile at the guy coming out of the bathroom at the coffee place because thought it was my husband. Then, to make it less awkward I said, “sorry you’re not my husband”.
Her: You should meditate.
Me: And be alone with my thoughts? No thank you.
Grooming tip:
Cut your toenails every 2 to 24 weeks whether they need it or not.
It costs over $330,00 for parents to raise a child to the age of 18
And that’s just for the alcohol
im all 3
ME: Doc, it hurts, did anything break
DOCTOR: Your hip
ME: Well, yeah, Daddy-O, but did anything break
Please do not shout “2020” in a crowded theater.
25% of parenting is resisting the urge to scream, “Get to the point!”
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
[christmas morning]
ME: I have no gifts to bring
EVERYONE: booooo
ME: …pa rum pum pum pum
EVERYONE: yayyyyyy
Donald Trump said he thinks we made the right decision to leave the EU. This confirms that we absolutely did not make the right decision.
women in PHLEGM (Philosophy, History, Languages, English Literature, Geography, Music)
I love how insurance companies offer “accident forgiveness” like they’re some sort of ancient deity pardoning your existence.
The technical term for the very bottom of a banana is the “bananus”.
My kids found their Kit Kats and then accused me of hiding them. Like WTF, how shameful are these kids to go into my closet?
Saw a vulture hauling a carcass across the highway. Thought of you
Young coworker: You gotta check out Marshmello and the Weeknd!
Me: Nah, I don’t enjoy camping.