And by noon on the 7th day, God said these kids need some iPads.
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I was in the park vaping in a tree when skateboard punk yolo teens called me “poor,” but jokes on them — I make hundreds of dollars a year.
My dating history is like Halloween. People pretending to be someone they’re not come looking for handouts, then move on to someone else.
The indescribable pain of having a client read off the options they see under “Settings.”
DISNEY EXEC: So we’re going to remake 101 Dalmatians
ME: *hand shoots up*
EXEC: NOT with velociraptors
ME: *hand drops down*
Brazone : when a woman wants you to always support her, but gets rid of you the moment she is home and comfortable.
on my driver’s license I look like a hobo
in person, I am groomed and wearing decent clothes
the bartender studies my ID, studies my face, then says to my girlfriend, “good job”
Listen if vampires don’t age or whatever then why aren’t there any films about vampires set in a future where we all live in space??? Space Vampires?! Do I have to do everything around here
Him: Do you want to run away with me?
Me: We won’t actually be running, right?
Love that person who tells me to ‘take a drink of water’ when I’m CHOKING ON WATER.
Welcome to your 40s. When you’re hungry your stomach sounds like a storm coming in.
Those three magical words:
“Where’s the plunger?”
Me: So many women flirt with me on Twitter all the time.
Wife: Cool. Now you have lots of woman to also not have sex with.
I’m not above army crawling down an aisle at the grocery store to avoid small talk with an acquaintance.
God: Any other requests?
Angel: Ooh! Do a cow in sunglasses, holding a cigarette!
God: No problem.
*burst into doctor’s office*
ME: I’m no longer canstopetid
DOCTOR: You mean constipated
ME: No I’ve had a vowel movement
DOCTOR: Get out
At least I can garauntee that if I’m murdered nobody is going to pull that whole, ‘She lit up a room’ crap.
One time when my 10yo was 18 months I took him to the library for story time and he rolled his toy car under a bookcase and yelled “oh shit”. The lady stopped reading and everyone turned to look at me and I didn’t go back to story time at the library again
*walks into childhood home*
Him: what’s wrong?
Me: it all looks so different. I distinctly remember the floor being lava.
Us watching you attempt to outrun something you tried to pspspspspspsps after we specifically said not to
Toys R Us went out of business because their mascot was a stupid giraffe when it could’ve been a toy dinosaur called the Toysaurus. It was right there man.
Morning school bus was 8 minutes late so [leaves 1-star Yelp review]
If you see me in court you’d think I was furiously taking notes, but 9 times out of 10, I’m usually drawing a t-rex eating a witness.
That moment when you’re driving and tweeting and you look up and notice you’re in the Atlantic Ocean.
Men want to be him. Women want to be with him. Bears want to eat him. Botflies want to lay their eggs in his skin. Fish are unaware of him.
this independent good boy don’t need no human
The downside of DVR is getting freaked out by tornado warnings from four days ago
My 4yo held up her toy phone and announced she had “an important call to make.”
So I made sure to stay really quiet for a min because, respect.
Then I blasted the TV, begged for snacks, slammed doors & screamed “NOOOO” because, retribution.
*accidentally uses flash while trying to take pic of funny looking person on the bus*
…
*makes distant thunder noises with mouth*
Hurry everyone! While Canada is getting baked out of their mind today, I think we can rush in and take all the maple syrup and free health care we can carry.
I do really good on my diet for like 8 or 9 hours, and then I wake up.