“Wanna feel old..?”
No. Next question.
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When my boss asked me who is the stupid one, me or him?
I told him everyone knows he doesn’t hire stupid people……
Ummm
When I sit down and the toilet seat is warm, I like to imagine someone rubbed a freshly baked loaf of bread on it.
Don’t ruin this for me!
Eating wings is the opposite of flying
My wife is always like, “You answer the door, I don’t even have my bra on!” and for that reason, I have stopped wearing a bra.
After seeing your latest selfie … And knowing what you look like in real life…. I’d like to hire you for your photoshopping abilities.
*watches nature documentary*
*moves my giraffe print pillows far away from my tiger print pillows*
ME: Man, I really should get glasses. I’m blind as a–
BAT NEXT TO ME: blind as a what
ME: um
BAT: as a what
ME:
BAT: say it
Get in loser grandma lost at bingo and has gone after the priest.
Judge: Your word is “Behemoth”
Contestant: Can you use it in a sentence please?
Me: *knocking judge out of the way* Half nocturnal, flying insect. Half human. Be he moth or be he man?!
Other judge: Security
Me: THE WORLD DESERVES TO SEE MY FILM!!
Him: What’s this? *slowly unwrapping my gift* A blanket?
Me: It’s a sweater that fits two people so we can always be toge-
Him: *running away*
Me: HEY WHERE ARE YOU GOING?!
me: it kind of feels like you’re judging me right now
judge: it’s called “sentencing”
aliens are gonna be super confused when they show up threatening to overthrow our leaders and we’re all stoked and offer to help.
[my deathbed]
Kid: Mom where are my shoes?
It’s very rare that a defibrillator fails
But when it does,
no one is shocked
My neighbors have been listening to my kid’s favorite song over and over and over today. Whether they liked it or not.
I made the cutest little Easter baskets with leaves and fronds. My neighbor is still wondering who sawed off the top of his palm tree.
coworker: what do u think happens after we die
me: when I die, nothing
coworker: what about when I die
me: I get arrested
i think my idea of romance stems from 1957, when men were men and women leaned seductively against juke boxes
doctor: [pulling out anal beads]
me: this is embarrassing
doctor: sorry I should have done it before you arrived
Monday 8am: I write a list of things that must get done today.
Monday 6pm: I scratch MON off of the top of the entire list and write TUES.
The coronavirus is exactly like that houseguest who won’t take the hint to leave but who also won’t stop killing people.
-On second thought, this is a terrible waste of trees
-I love how you care for the planet honey, but just bring me the toilet paper already
I’m quitting modelling, I need more job security so I’m going to become a princess.
God: you’re a penguin.
Penguin: actually I’m a spy.
God: uh no you aren’t.
Penguin: then why am I wearing this tux?
God: that’s just what you look like.
Penguin: that’s exactly what a spy would say.
God:
Penguin: isn’t that right…00Heaven.
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
Thou art not as nice as this time last year.
At 51, I have turned 17 three times and let me tell you I understand the cicada’s compulsion to sit in a tree and scream.
(cloud briefly passing overhead, obscuring the sun) what fresh hell is this ?
Love is taking a picture of your husband holding up a fish at the fish market
– my wife: I’m not doing that
Me: *trying to get comfortable on your wicker chair* I wonder if this is what sitting on shredded wheat feels like.