My 5 yo after I explained the concept of breastfeeding: “can you squeeze Capri Suns outta those things or just milk?”
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“The house always wins,” muttered Dorothy as she stared at the witch’s crushed body.
It’s always uncomfortable when someone says you might be their soulmate, and you have to tell them you don’t have a soul.
they split up moments later
If you watch the Social Network backwards, it’s about a man gaining more friends and a girlfriend as he spends less time on Facebook.
I wonder why my book “101 ways to scare the postman” hasn’t arrived yet?
[Alien vs Predator]
Alien: I can eat your face off
Predator: I’m not allowed within 100 feet of a school
Dear crush,
If there ever comes a day when you no longer find something to eat, I’m still here…
I mean, there’s food in my fridge 😏
Just made an appointment with a cardiologist. Don’t be alarmed, I’m sure all my cardigans are fine. I just wanna make sure they fit.
*Midwesterners validating weather*
-20 out: “it wouldn’t be that cold without the wind”
99 degrees: “i’m only sweating because of the humidity”
20 degrees: “honestly if ya stand in the sun it’s not that bad”
47 degrees: driving with the windows down bc it’s finally “nice out”
“ew what is that?” is my child’s adorable way of asking what’s for dinner
Friend at Memorial Day BBQ: I see you wasted no time with the white pants.
Me: These are my legs.
I’m gaining weight for my role as “‘Before’ picture”
Son told me “Make me a sandwich, woman” and now I have one child instead of two
4: remember when mommy didn’t have her strap on?
Husband: she didn’t have her WHAT?!
4: her strap on!
Husband: I didn’t even know mommy had a-
Me, from another room: SHE MEANS WHEN I WORE THE STRAPLESS DRESS AT OUR WEDDING
you shouldn’t drink white wine with fish because they can’t hold the glass in their little fins
Happy mothers day to all the moms out there.
Trying to not lose my SHIT as someone in the office kitchen continues to call Thomas the Tank Engine “Thomas the Train”
A taco bell would actually crack almost immediately so that’s a stupid name
My GPS just told me to turn left into a cornfield and now I’m afraid it wants to murder me.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because free will is an illusion and both of us followed paths that lead us to this very moment
Cop: How much have you had to drink?
Me: The precise amount I was predestined to
doctor: I’ve never lost a patient and I’m not about to start now dammit!
nurse: we found him. he was hiding in the linen closet
The hardest part of being Darth Vader is never being able to sneak up on anyone because your theme music started playing.
Motherhood is when your child looks like a sparkling cherub and you look like a steaming pile of nope.
For a gentleman, Shakespeare really knew how to spread those thy’s.
[bank]
I’d like to pay this into my account
[empties pockets full of cat teeth]
OMG I’m so sorry [takes card back] that’s the wrong account
Every Father’s Day I think about the time I jokingly asked my 4 year-old daughter if she was going to get me a “World’s Best Dad” mug. “Nope,” she said gravely. “I haven’t met all the dads in the world.”
I don’t care if it’s red balloons, problems, or bottles of beer on the wall.
If you’ve got 99 of anything, I’m scheduling an intervention
Everyone’s all up in arms about how undemocratic the electoral college is and yet we let our weather be decided by A SINGLE UNELECTED GROUNDHOG??!!?!?
Asking your stay-at-home wife what exactly she did all day is a fun way to bleed.
Hot neighbor (limping): I slipped and fell on my bedroom floor this morning
Me: Haha, I saw that
Her: What?
Me: What?