we tend to look past the fact the happy birthday song was probably written by someone who forgot a gift & came up with that song on the spot
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ME: maybe it would spice things up if you surprised me with sex once in awhile
CELLMATE: no
[my car launching off cliff]
oh no google maps you rascal
[on a 1st date]
Me: I’m just looking to take things slow
Her: *in a wedding dress* me too
Whenever I sing, my mom goes outside. Not to get away from me, but to prove to my neighbors that she’s not beating me.
My daughter is angry that I won’t let her eat icicles hanging off our house, like I’m some kind of monster for denying her a gutter sucker.
So, Facebook is celebrating its 10th birthday. What do you buy for the social media app that makes you hate everyone?
Her: Isn’t she your girlfriend?
Me: No, No, No, I broke up with her two days ago. She just hasn’t checked her voice mail yet…
German be like, __________ is the word for a cat that is chewing on a flower in a pot that was watered last Tuesday.
me: can i get a big mac
employee: sir, this is a Burger King
me: sorry can i get a big mac, your majesty
[1st date]
Me: [putting my jacket over my dates shoulders]
Her: “Thank you but I’m not cold”
Me: [covering her awful dress] “Yes you are”
[during sex]
HER: I want you to make me scream
ME: *tosses spider onto her chest*
every other girl looks super cute in her leggings & boots & sweater and here i just look like your jazzercising aunt in her stirrup pants from 1991
If Satan isn’t real then why am I in a group text with my family
One time my teacher was telling a story about war and the girl in front of me slowly opened her laptop and liked Downy on Facebook.
Sorry to all my coworkers who have to listen to me whisper the sassy email replies I wish I could send
I befriended a ghost who keeps wheezing all the time.
I named him Gasper.
I snuck into a field to get milk straight from the source. I had no idea it took so long to milk a cow. Maybe because it only had one udder.
Amazon: your package will be delivered on Wednesday
me: WHEN IS THAT
Worst bar ever.
“If decorative towels can be a thing then decorative grills can be a thing”
~Me buying a cool looking copper charcoal grill that I don’t really need.
Went to bed with wet hair and woke up looking like I might know a lot about astrophysics
I bought a new elliptical so that the treadmill wouldn’t be lonely in the dark basement.
Spring is what we call the time in between complaining about the cold and complaining about the heat
To the max.. 😂
Sound on
Falling asleep at work didn’t get me in trouble. Falling asleep at work and snoring got me in trouble.
Ok doc, give it to me straight.
“It’s cancer”
How bad?
“Really bad, you have 2 months.”
OMG
“APRIL FOOLS!”
Whew-
“You have 2 days.”
*tries to discreetly wipe up my spilled drink with your cat*
Sorry I can’t make it, I asked my toddler if he wanted help putting on his shoes he answered “yes I don’t”
I blame 2 of my 3 DUIs on Jesus because I specifically told him to take the wheel