What do you call the yellow ones?
-Yellow labs.
And the black ones?
-Black labs.
So the brown ones are-
-No we named those after dog poison.
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If you drop a peanut in a shag rug forget it, let it go.
Me: Teacher, is it pronounced neither or neither?
T: It’s neither.
Me: So they’re both wrong?
T: I say neither, but you can say either.
Me: It can’t be either neither, you have to pick a neither.
T: Neither the school nor your parents pay me enough for this shit.
Twitter has ruined my chance at a political career.
Thank goodness.
If you’re reading this & I’m married to you…
I’m locked out. Come let me in.
Me [as a child]: The Easter Bunny IS real. I will end your lies!
[steps on a crack, nothing happens]
[starts stomping on the crack]HAS MY ENTIRE LIFE BEEN A LIE??
My mom: [sighs]
I let my baby girl know she can do anything.
Except taking the bow out of her hair cuz IT’S REALLY CUTE AND SHE NEEDS TO LEAVE IT ALONE.
My kid: I’M NOT GOING TO BED!
Prison guard: *pinches bridge of nose* Again, this is not up to you.
Be the reason why your priest clutches their rosary when they look at you.
bird: I’m a bird. I have the ability to soar majestically over the mountains. I have a bird’s eye view of this beautiful planet and can see how wonderful it all is
me: and yet you choose to hang out in this McDonald’s parking lot
bird: did I mention I’m a seagull?
Neighbor just yelled at me for playing in his sprinkler.
Note to self, I should wear clothes next time.
I’m not that toxic
*glows in the dark*
Right now Netflix is trying to figure out how 6 million people watched birdbox this weekend with only 22 active accounts
How to build a nested list
1) Start like this
A) Then do this
Bird: I live here now
2) Make sure to get the bird out
Bird: NO
If a man put his empty deodorant under his wife’s pillow in the morning a new stick will appear on the bathroom counter.
5: why don’t we have an elf-on-the-shelf?
me: oh honey, it’s not that we don’t love you, it’s just that we don’t hate ourselves
[bird watching] when’s the yellow one gonna teach me the alphabet
My housemates are convinced our house is haunted.
I’ve lived here over
250 years and haven’t noticed anything strange.
My emotional support pig is now my therapy bacon.
Your an idiot.
-You’re.
What?
-You’re not your.
But I said it. I didn’t type it. We’re talking.
-Yeah but I heard the typo.
You’re an idiot.
ME: Boy, the upstairs neighbors are sure noisy tonight.
WIFE: Y— wait. We live on the top floor.
ME: *remembering my promise to the brotherhood of dancing chimney sweeps* Boy, sure is windy, is what I meant to say.
Bacardi, no sugar is how I take my coffee.
Maybe I just didn’t state this eloquently enough where’s my hammer?
*Queen bee in hive*
“You, go pollinate flowers”
“You, go make some honey”
“You, go buzz around some humans and ruin their picnic lol”
Things that are dangerous-
-riding a motorcycle
-sharks
-riding sharks
Imagining the Matrix pill scene if Neo bent down and ate the red pill directly out of Morpheus’ hand like a petting zoo goat and Morpheus completely froze weirded out
Hey Law & Order, please stop throwing around the word semen all willy-nilly, I’m trying to watch this with my mom
Ugh, stalkers are horrible.
You’d think SOMEONE could’ve let me know I was out of toilet paper.
If you say “anyways” instead of “anyway,” that’s alls I needs to knows abouts yous.
i actually took my measurements before ordering jeans instead of just guessing which size i should get and i just tried them on and they fit. has anyone else ever heard of this.
Zookeeper: we suspect one of you stole a giraffe
Zoo employee 1: oh no
Zoo employee 2: oh no
Me: [knitting a tremendously long scarf] oh no