How do the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles have 6-pack abs? They can’t do sit-ups.
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I have just boarded a cable car in Singapore.
The family I have joined have said very loudly to their kids in Mandarin that ‘this old, white guy is very heavy. Better come to our side to balance it out.’
Sometimes I wish I had forgotten all my Mandarin.
Her: HELP I’M ON FIRE!!
ME: *slow drag on cigarette* Technically, the fire is on you.
Like a mouse stuck in a mouse trap because its desire for cheese was too great, I too am stuck in a mouse trap
M: I just can’t find the words.
H: She’s kidding, give her a minute.
I always keep a shotgun under my bed in case a horse sneaks in and breaks his leg
My greatest wish is for every guy who has ever rejected me to end up with a girl who asks tons of questions during a movie.
the end of twitter is taking forever did tolkien write this
All my coworkers put tape over the cameras on their laptops but not me. I don’t care if anybody sees me sighing for 8 hours a day.
People often say to me ‘Please stop making up stories in an effort to become popular’ and to them I say ‘I can’t help it. My mother was Jessica Fletcher’.
What did the bra say to the hat? “You go on a head, I’ll give these two a lift.” (I’m back to silly jokes. Probably for the best.)
me: raising kids is the most rewarding thing you’ll ever do
kidnapper: just pay the ransom, I’m not keeping them
I bought my husband of 21 years a sweatshirt and I stole it from him and that’s how we keep our marriage fresh
My new years resolution is to stop biting my toenails. Nervous habit I picked up during all these meetings at work.
I toured a defense contractor executive’s home
Lately I’ve been getting in touch with my inner self.
I really need to switch to a better brand of toilet paper.
Diarrhea awareness week starts today. Runs through Sunday.
GUY: Hey, hold the elevator!
ME: *laughs to myself as I don’t hold the elevator* It’s the little things that make life worth living.*12 hours later*
GUY: *who is apparently building maintenance* I was trying to warn you it was broken.
hm so saying “oh god” and “oh yes” during sex is acceptable and encouraged but as soon as i say “oh text RESIST to 50409 to support net neutrality” im suddenly ruining the mood??
Effective immediately, all United Airlines flights require at least one passenger to volunteer as tribute.
Stop saying I’m not a nice person, I have a pillow in my trunk.
Overheard: “My dad froze my account and I only had $4 in my pocket last night so I went to the Sunoco and bought 3 scratch offs and won $15 so guess who’s going out tonight”
Your baby isn’t 48 months ffs…he’s 4 years old.
I don’t go around saying I’m one thousand, one hundr….
Hold on…Imma need a calculator.
this town’s getting on my nerves, gonna blow off some steam by doing a dance routine at the abandoned warehouse
A hearse was in front of me in the drive through lane at a burger joint. I have questions.
me at 15: i can’t wait to go to college and PARTY!!
me at 20: ok so listen. there’s a new grocery store and GET THIS. i got a mango for 56 cents
Husband: “Did you go outside in the rain?”
Me: “No. I bathed the kids.”
Why is there an eject button on the DVD remote? You still have to get up & take the disc out. It’s like having a remote to open the fridge.
[Interview with a Vampire]
Interviewer: hah, your resume says ‘bleedership skills’, what a funny typo!
Vampire: *nervously tapping fingers, not making eye contact*
asian women will be in palo alto pushing a $5000 stroller holding a birkin wearing 2-3 cartier bracelets having a 5 carat diamond ring wearing chanel sunglasses and some blonde woman wearing yoga pants at the grocery store will be like are you the nanny
Doctor: How’d you get these scars all over your legs?
Me: Dorito crumbs in my bed