Amazon Review Guide
⭐☆☆☆☆ – I’m angry and taking my slight inconvenience out on you
⭐⭐☆☆☆ – Your product is crap
⭐⭐⭐☆☆ – Average
⭐⭐⭐⭐☆ – Great product!
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐ – Average but I feel bad leaving a lower rating
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A main part of marriage is heavy sighing to let your spouse know you are upset then saying, “nothing” when they ask what’s wrong.
Black Eyed Peas: Whatcha gonna do with all that junk, all that junk inside your trunk?
Me: I’m gonna leave it there indefinitely but then act all embarrassed and say “my car is not usually a mess” when people get in it.
GF says my bike helmet looks ridiculous, but I’d rather be “uncool” than fall and crack my head open in the middle of having sex.
ME: i want the ad to say “for sale: baby shoes, never worn”
AD GUY: oh wow that’s so sad
ME: totally. they’re so cute but my feet were just too big
She was a very heavy smoker with a cough that curdled your blood.
Phlegm fatale, they called her.
flight attendant: please put all devices in airplane mode
optimus prime: i can only do “truck”
Trying to impress the doctor by telling her I don’t need a prescription to get Xanax.
.@WebMD Should blood basically be cascading out of my nose when I look at the sun ?
Me, at the intervention: “Ah look, all the reasons I drink gathered in one place.”
Ok, I’ve joined #Mastodon but also this
What happens when you build a house on top of an old cemetery for accordion players?
You have a polkageist.
The biggest problem with prison is that you can only rearrange your cell in so many ways because of where the toilet is.
I explained how Pac-Man works to my kids, and apparently 4 ghosts constantly chasing someone is a terrifying story to 4yos.
STOP WHINING KIDS! If mommy wants to listen to a bunch of people whining for no reason, she’ll log into twitter.
In an incredible turn of events we’ve been informed that the zodiac killer has killed himself after being mistaken for Ted Cruz
Sure the Lego botanical sets are great but dusting them is another story.
Party guest: Where should I put these kale chips and cauliflower?
Me: There’s a bag for garbage under the sink.
My son saw his medicine said shake well before using so he shook his whole body and damn that apple never even fell from the tree.
I’ll never rob a store because I don’t want to see the police guess my weight on a wanted poster.
*waters flowers*
*flowers die**sprays weeds with poison*
*weeds mutate, quadruple in size, grow 3 heads, and start speaking in tongues*
Kids. Because who else is willing to stampede through the house sounding like an overweight elephant while also only weighing 30 pounds?
I’ve reached the point in my marriage that my husband fell asleep on the couch and OMG I AM SO EXCITED I GET THE BED ALL TO MYSELF
ATTENTION: Can the owner of the ‘MarioKart Champion’ tshirt return to security? There are several women here who’d like to have sex with you
My whole life was a lie.
Hiring manager: what would you say are your greatest weaknesses?
Me: probably men with hairy knuckles. Oh, and a moist pot roast.
To the person who left the green Tupperware in the fridge, it was last seen moving down the hall towards the elevator.
Witness protection program or abducted by aliens? I wanna get this breakup text just right
NOT EVERYONE WAS KUNG FU FIGHTING, MOM. SOME OF US WERE TRYING TO BREAK IT UP.
My daughter saw my mascara brand was called better than sex and asked what that meant so I said it meant better than secretaries cause they write and holy shit pray for me she doesn’t google it.
Imagine how tall this baby will be when it’s fully grown.