I’m glad we evolved from apes. If we evolved from chameleons, we’d constantly be walking into each other.
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Interviewer: Can you perform under pressure?
Me: Pretty much but I have to fake some of the David Bowie parts because I’m not sure the words
Sorry I can’t come to your party, I already made other plans after you invited me.
Sharon, call the vet
You don’t scare me, you’re not my ID photo.
1995: I will make multiple trips to the post office and mail off blank cassettes just so I can get a barely audible bootleg of a phish show months later
2022: I will pay 47 dollars for a single chicken sandwich to be delivered so I don’t have to put on pants
Instead of going to see Godzilla vs Kong I’ll just ask two of my kids to do a project together.
If I get suspended again, I’m just making a LinkedIn account.
Me: My sex life is like your car.
Friend: What? Sleek, performance-inspired, 6-speed, classic & acclaimed?
Me: Nope. Electric powered.
God: welcome to heaven, you will spend eternity visiting with your loved ones
Me: I was told there would be sleep
I just read an article about a man swept out to sea during a baptism. I guess that’s God’s Way of saying “Nope”.
Mom: You look tired.
Me: Ma, don’t say that.
Mom: Sorry.
Me: Forget it.
Mom:
Me:
Mom: You look old.
“If all your friends jumped”
‘Yes’
“But if they”
‘Yes’
“But”
‘IF I EVER GET FRIENDS I’M GOING TO DO WHATEVER THEY WANT ME TO, OK MOM?
If Spiderman gets a lady pregnant, does she have 1 baby, or like 10,000?
Sex with me is like eating spaghetti with a spoon.
What’s fun about having kids is being on a Zoom work meeting from home, and your child crawls under your desk, touches your leg, and announces that you need to shave for all to hear
Dear waiter,
You messed up my order because you didn’t write it down. I employed your strategy while calculating the tip.
Love,
David
Doctor: I’m sorry, but your Dad’s in a coma.
Teen: Huh?
Doctor: He’s in airplane mode now.
Teen: OHHH NOOOOO!!
If you get lost on Columbus Day you’re allowed to just choose and occupy a new home, regardless of its current occupants.
The more you know
*picks up frog*
*kisses it*
Frog: you know I’m poisonous, right?
Me: oh thank god.
Enthusiasm 1 – 0 Judgement
Me during the day: “I’ve learned not to worry about things I can’t control.”
Me at 3:42am: “What are the chances of surviving a medium-sized asteroid impact?”
Imagine the havoc if raccoons could fly. Rotund shadows grow larger over a pizza guy moments before he’s swarmed by snarling, handsy demons.
“What does the fox say?” Whatever the Rupert Murdoch tells it to.
FRIEND: Your kitchen looks great
ME: Wanna see the new garbage disposal?
FRIEND: Sure
ME: [opening cupboard to reveal a large raccoon napping] His name is Boris
Thinking about having bacon and bacon for dinner.
me after creating anything: i want the whole world to see this
brain: even people who know you?
me: oh god no
cop: where were u between 7 and 8
me: third grade? idk
Therapist: remember the key to a happy marriage is poise and self-sacrifice.
Me: [writes down poison self; sacrifice] that makes a lot of sense Doc.
Our family has a tradition of opening presents on live video so the kids can be disappointed in real time.
Doctor: I have good news and bad news
Me: What’s the good news?
Doctor: The good news is you’re alive. The bad news is you’re going to have to diet and exercise to stay that way