Why is it okay to eat grapes in a grocery store but as soon as I pop a bottle of champagne, I get kicked out??
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“Oh shit, I’m supposed to go find them…”
Who?
“The kids. We were playing hide and seek.”
-my husband, about 20 minutes into a conversation he and I were having
“loud noises scare horses”
[wife now whispering] get it out of the basement
I’ve been Catholic for years and still have no idea which murders I should confess and which I should keep to myself.
After a long journey Frodo and Sam arrive to return the One Ring to the fires of Mt. Doom
Frodo: Dude dont be mad, but I forgot the receipt
I hate it when a dog starts barking and then every other dog nearby retweets him.
Kid: Mom, will you play with me?
Me: Sure.
Kid: Okay, pretend you’re dead.
Me: This was the role I was born to play. *lays down and remains motionless for hours*
A zombie apocalypse sounds even worse when you consider all those smoke detectors beeping for battery changes.
I like to start out my Wednesdays by dropping an entire cup of coffee down the stairs and crying about it for 6 minutes.
I bet the frankincense guy was all like, “Let’s put the three items in one gift basket and the basket can be from all of us.”
Me: Would you have a minute to speak about my lord and savior, nachos supreme?
Her: Sir, for the last time just tell me your order.
I’m only seeing the new Jurassic Park if the dinosaurs aren’t a metaphor for anything. Don’t want to look at a stegosaurus and have to think about neoliberalism or the modern surveillance state
her: I don’t usually attend funerals because everyone cries so much
me: *points at coffin* well not everyone
I saw a tweet that said they wanted their first child to be a mail and all I did was respond, ‘Keep us posted’ and got blocked
Curious that it’s always a female computer voice that calmly announces self-destruct sequences and other violent disasters.
I wore skinny jeans once, it looked like when you try to get a tent back in a bag and give up half way
Who will tell him he’s not a dog !
What if Tony soprano was holding a cat like The Godfather but the cat is Garfield
Behind every happy woman there is an empty bottle of wine…
DENTIST: I need to test how sensitive you are
ME: Ok
DENTIST: You have a stupid haircut
ME *lip starts trembling*
DENTIST: I see
*email from Amazon*
Your package has arrived! To see a picture of the delivery, click HERE
Your front door was faded. For suggested paint colors, click HERE
Your dog was loud. To browse calming treats, click HERE
We saw you changing clothes. To shop for curtains, click HERE
*house explodes into flames*
Kids: mom, what’s for dinner?
Maybe call your family “Team” for like 14 years. Then one day say “There’s no ‘I’ in team!” and move to a foreign country with a prostitute.
First grade math makes no sense. I mean, who really buys 34 oranges and 21 apples in one day?!
Me: This swimsuit does nothing to flatter my bust. I feel like an old lady.
Him: Maybe it’s because you use words like “bust.”
Me: Ok. This swimsuit does nothing to flatter my bosom.
If Optimus Prime led a Transformers symphony, would he be a semi conductor?
My client has retained me to cancel plans with you.
First thing I do in the 10 items or less line is count the number of items the person in front of me has.
Husband: Did you just change from one set of pjs to another?
Me:
H:
Me:
H: …you look great
There are eleven types of people in the world: those that understand Roman numerals, and those that don’t