Pocahontas: Did you just give me a fake name?
John Smith: …
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Me: I’m a mature adult woman who can handle anything
Also me: *has to pack my blankie wherever I go or I can’t sleep*
ad for letuce:
do u- hey do u ever wish u coud eat water
[after bowling]
Me: that was fun
Date: you whispered “bowling” every time you rolled the ball
Me: it helps me aim
[later in bed]
Me: *whispering* bo-
Her: -no
Lois Lane: “Clark, have you given any thought to contact lenses?”
Clark Kent: *starts sweating nervously*
#rubbishjokes
Noah’s diary – 39th day:“The dragon pie was really scrumptious.”
Is your meth contaminated with coronavirus? This Florida police dept. will test it for free
*drops ice cube*
*leaves it*
*steps on small puddle later while wearing socks*
I deserve this.
A funny thing about the Heimlich Maneuver is that it’s impossible to pronounce if you’re choking.
Both my kids are denying ownership of an iPhone charger that they usually fight over. Makes me wonder what crime scene evidence is on it.
I am ideologically opposed to taking a spouse’s last name but I am intrigued by the idea of starting over with a fresh gmail account
Him: Brunch tomorrow?
Me: No, I’ll be asleep.
Him: What time will you be awake?
Me: I don’t understand the question.
Tonight playing poker with a buddy he said “Care to make this interesting?” And I said “Sure. For years I’ve been secretly in love with you”
On my 5 year old’s report card it said, “He is encouraged to ask more questions”.
ARE YOU KIDDING ME.
Please hold so I can transfer you to a supervisor and accidentally hang up on you.
I asked my 4-year-old to pick up her toys and she hissed at me like an angry cat. Do I approach the hissing child? Do I let it be? Idk what to do. The parenting books don’t talk about this.
Therapist: would you say you’re making time for self-care as a stay at home mom?
Me: yesterday I didn’t realize my pants were on inside out until lunchtime.
Me: *explains idea*
Boss: That’s the dumbest idea ever
Me:*clears throat*
*repeats exact same idea in a British accent*
Boss: Brilliant!
Boss: HR wants to see you
Me: What for?
Boss: Mandatory drug test
Me: Oh man, I really can’t do any more drugs after the weekend I had
Marty McFly: *plays Nickelback*
Guess you guys aren’t ready for that yet but your kids are gonna love it.
*returns to the present to find a world without children*
[watching murder documentary]
Her: That’s not how I would have done it.
Me: *never sleeps again*
I took the battery out of my biological clock and put it in the TV remote.
I learned a few things in Twitter Jail last night.
1. My wife’s name
2. How to make a shank from a phone charger
3. I need Twitter
Keeping a very sharp knife next to my bed in case a burglar breaks in and wants sashimi
God: this pie is outstanding. where’d you get the apples?
Eve: ok promise you won’t get mad
I want you to cuff my hands behind my back.
Not for sex play but to keep my fingers away from the keyboard after reading some of the stupid shit you post.
A spider built his web across my door and I walked straight into it and for a moment I bet he dared to dream that he’d pulled off that one big heist that would finally let him retire.
How do girls look so cute in an oversize sweater? I look like a hot air balloon ready for takeoff.
Little Mermaid remake: Ariel falls in love after seeing the tender way Prince Eric holds a fish in his Tinder profile.
Hear me out….
A pub crawl, but to bakeries.
Those turkeys presidents pardon? HUGE campaign donors.