Pixar has made me feel affection towards rats, bugs, fish, robots, monsters and even cars. The real test would be a movie about coworkers.
You Might Also Like
i was having a panic attack and my friend suggested holding a rose quartz so i stopped panicking and just got angry
If my landlord would just take cat hair instead of money, I could pay for the whole year upfront.
Me: I’m terrified of aging rock bands
Therapist: You too?
Me: [screams]
Is a pamphlet just a smaller pamph? What the heck is a pamph? People make no sense.
A coworker just asked if I had any “mouth water” and I am thoroughly confused by this
imagine being 93 years old and then you’re bit by a vampire and you’re stuck being a 93 year old forever
Some of you have never been told to ‘Leave room for the Holy Spirit’ by an old nun with a ruler while slow-dancing to Boyz 2 Men at your Grade 8 dance and it shows
Half the people who follow me are waiting for the nervous breakdown; the other half follow because they’re easily impressed by semicolons.
imagine if poop was transparent. I’d completely lose my shit
Most divorces could be avoided by buying 2 duvets.
Autocorrect changed fries to friend and I think I’ve offered to eat my friend. I’m not sure if I should clarify, or see where it goes.
Bruce Wayne’s poop is not only crazy, it’s batshit
GYM
Man: “Can you spot me?”
Me: “Sure”
Man: *Throwing down towel* “Invisibility cloak my ass”
The best thing about working from home is having more time to ignore the huge pile of laundry that needs doing
Little Kid: wanna hear a joke?
Me: life is meaningless without death
Little Kid: why did the chicken cro- wait what?
the funniest thing i’ve ever said was on april 11th 2009 to my dad’s cat and no one else was around to hear it. a car horn honked and he hopped off my bed and ran downstairs and i said “oh shit is your ride here” and laughed alone to myself for like five minutes straight
No one has stolen my lunch at work since I started labeling it “Stool Sample.”
If the way I shelled this hard boiled egg is any indication of how the rest of the day will go, I should just climb back into bed.
I left a trail of rose petals leading to the bed and on the bed was a note that said “This is what happens to roses who cross me”
5 yo- *being incredibly loud and obnoxious* I’m trying to bother that fly because maybe he will get annoyed and die.
Apparently I am the fly.
Last night I was walking Bizzy, and a friendly stranger asked how old she was. When I told him, he said: “She don’t walk like she’s 15 though!!!” I…I think he catcalled my dog?
Call me when you have $50,000 and you’ll get your little girl back. Call in the next five minutes and I’ll throw in a second kid as a gift.
My rings were getting loose so I gained ten pounds.
Have you spent any of your daylight savings yet?
i love driving becuase it combines my love of sitting with my love of being mad
I have yet again allowed myself to get one year older. Thinking about doing it at least one more time.
[home late]
Where were you?
“Uh, with my.. gf?”
Gf? Well, tell us about her! What’s her name?
[commercial on tv] uh.. Lisa.. Brandnewtoyota
Sometimes I look at myself in the mirror and wonder, “Do my children just spit directly at their face when brushing their teeth?”
[meets a cute girl from Scotland]
“Ummm hi your people make fantastic tape”
Don’t worry, officer, this isn’t my blood. Really, stop searching me! I feel fine!