Condescending:
(adj) showing patronizing superiority
(verb) a convict shimmying down a prison wall with a rope made of bed sheets.
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ROMEO:But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks?
ME:Well if you’d just sod off like I asked, I wouldn’t have to throw lamps at you.
Toronto Police have found a head, hands, and a foot in a river. There are no theories yet but the hokey pokey has not been ruled out.
PISSED: teen gets fed up with teacher
“can i use the bathroom?”
“i don’t know, CAN you?”
*takes deep breath*
*pisses all over teachers desk*
If I had a dollar for every time I think about you, I’d start thinking about you.
I’m in a weird place in life because I’m not ready to get married, but I am ready to drag some cans behind my car
I’m not saying one of my kids is “more difficult” than the others, but so far my oldest wants a remote control car for Christmas, the youngest wants a stuffed unicorn, and the middle one has requested a dinosaur egg so he can raise and train his own velociraptor from birth.
me: I’m gonna work from home today
co-pilot: wait
BACTERIA 1: [runs toward pizza that has just been dropped on the floor]
BACTERIA 2: [football tackles him to the ground] YOU HAVE TO WAIT FIVE SECONDS SEBASTIAN
the sexual tension when everyone arrives at a 4-way stop at the same time
I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
My current wife doesn’t like when I call her that
Zipping up jacket on myself: easy, tabs fit together perfectly, zipper glides up nicely
Zipping up jacket NOT on me: nothing works, these pieces don’t even fit, how did I break it?
I just noticed the light fixture in the bathroom is off center, so no, I won’t be renewing my lease.
The worst is when you eat onions and then your fingers smell like onions and your breath smells like onions and you turn to your left and your dog has turned into an onion and you look out the window and the moon is an onion. Everything is onion now. Everything.
I jokingly asked my mom if I was born with a tail and she started acting all weird like someone who gave birth to a baby with a tail
Having to redownload the HBO app on four devices was the worst thing to happen to me since COVID.
me: i’m late
boss: again?
me: it’s yours
[using my one prison phone call in 2007] yes, one vote for Sanjaya please
DENTIST: Have you been flossing?
ME: Have you been flossing?
DENTIST: *sweating* This isn’t about me.
I’m in a doctor’s office waiting room and there’s a People magazine on the table. I can’t believe Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston are getting a divorce.
our love story in four pictures
Americans who pronounce Z like Ted are given Canadian citizenship, free Timbits for life, and one pet baby moose.
Me: If I walk 10,000 steps but do it with a dog, has the dog done 20,000 steps since it has twice the legs?
Job interviewer: I meant questions about the company
Southern women don’t outright fight. We passive aggressively drive one another into the ground with compliments and trying to make the better fried chicken.
“wfh”
what it means: work from home
what my brain sees: what fthe hell?
When your body decides that was one meat lover’s pizza too many
The cure to missing someone is just remembering what an asshole they really were.
I got replaced as Romeo in the high school play because the girl playing Juliet kept stabbing herself in Act I.
behind every “do what you want” is a secret “if you dare”
I believe the children are our future. Teach them well and let them lead the way.