COPS: We know you killed him
ME: I didn’t do it!
COPS: really? *starts playing Shakira*
ME: wait no
MY HIPS: HE’S UNDER THE FLOOR BOARDS
You Might Also Like
Apparently, when you have an open relationship you’re supposed to inform your partner. But this is new for both of us, especially her.
former classmate: i am happily married with four kids, a house, two cars, an rv & a boat.
me: i am a llama. i live in an enchanted forest with a squirrel wizard. we eat magical berries & those berries give us powers which we shall use to find & slay the evil dragon king.
From the 3 wise men story we learn that wisdom doesn’t always translate into mad gift giving skills
Autoerotic asphyxiation? No thanks, I’m not much of a car guy.
Watching Celebrity Jeopardy must be stressful for the people who run the charities. Imagine missing out on $30,000 because Christopher Meloni doesn’t know his state capitals.
I don’t claim to understand the science behind it, but I can absolutely state with one hundred percent certainty that I am playing a key role in the ongoing survival of the human race by making sure that each and every morning, without fail, I put my left shoe on before my right.
Babies are undefeated at debate. Their gibberish is too passionate
roses are red
bellflowers creep
i’m in your house
watching you sleep
Just Jedi mind tricked my BF into buying me a new phone. Well not really, I had to moan during sex and promised to be nice to his mom.
Seeing someone’s false eye lash fall off is awkward. I never know if I should catch it or kill it.
Cat owner : wow my pet cat really likes you
Me: yeah well that’s just because I have at least 2 sardines in my left pocket at any given time
What in all holy hell is going on with this box of toilet paper I just got from Amazon
Friendship: because I’ve said many dumb things & you acted like they were TED talks
I forgot you cant make depression jokes outside of twitter lmao my coworker was like “you ready for this year to be over?” I was like “im ready for this life to be over” he was like bro what
A scientist who studies Adam’s apples is called a guyneckologist.
WAITER:What would you like?
ME:What would YOU like?
W:Excuse me?
M:No one ever asks you, do they?
W:*tearing up* No.. they don’t. Thank you.
Airport Announcer: Please report any unattended items to TSA
Me: *sees random 3-year-old running around*
Me: *slowly reaches for phone*
the lady that filled the bird feeder was two hours late and chester was starting to get pissed
*on time travel bus* oh you’re going back to kill hitler? uh yeah totally, me too *pulls jacket over spice girls world tour ’98 t shirt*
I watched a guy at the gym put his shoes on like:
Sock, shoe. Sock, shoe.
And then he walked away like it was completely normal.
Just saw an ad for a local psychic fair. I’m not planning to go, but I guess they already know that
Watching people try to find a lost car in a parking lot is oddly soothing
Sawing a hole under the bottom of a table to steal a cooked ham is way harder than it looks like in cartoons.
Me: I wanta quit
Boss: I need a formal resignation
Me: fine. I beseech thee, kindly give me leave of this hellhole
From now on, when you see the word “minimum”, good luck trying to not imagine a tiny British mother.
My mother-in-law doesn’t get migraines. She gives them.
The first step to admitting you have a problem is having a problem.
Drunk at 20: “I’m going to call my ex.”
Drunk at 30: “I’m going to tweet my MP.”
At 9 y/o I was obsessed with extraterrestrials & desperately wanted to be abducted. I’ve changed a lot since then, for instance, now I’m 42.