It’s because it’s Bring Your Daughter To Work Day, sweetie. That’s why. What Papa is doing right now is called an “autopsy”. Stop crying.
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Grading system for students in India:
A – Average
B – Below average
C – Can’t have dinner
D – Don’t come home
F – Find a new family
Her: Wow… You really cleaned up the place
A cockroach with a little bow-tie waddles by
Me: Anything for you baby girl
I dropped a telephone book on my foot, and when I called 911, they just sent a police car to arrest me for having a phone book in my house
jk rowling: every character will have a meaningful arc. harry finds the family he never had
editor: nice
jk rowling: ron faces his fears. hermione questions authority.
editor: what about, what’s his name, neville?
jk rowling: oh, shawty gets DUMB thicc
I always try to compliment people, even if it’s just, “Wow, I’ve never seen clothes worn like that before.” or “You have a dope overbite.”
Most bags of sand live a tough life stopping floods. But some, the lucky ones, live a leisurely life tied to the basket of a hot air balloon
The worst part of working remotely is the lack of structure. No one staring at me and tapping their watch if I take a long lunch. Unlimited bathroom breaks. Humans are not meant to live this way
detective: when did this happen.
edgar allan poe: while i pondered weak and weary over many a quaint and curious volume of forgotten lore.
detective: [writing notes] pretentious dipshit…was…reading.
Quarantine: stay inside where theres nothing to do and be sa-
Adderall & Craft Supplies: MAKE DUCKS
I won’t tell anyone if I win the lottery,
but there will be signs…
If a woman asks if you “notice anything new” tell her “I do, your beauty surprises me every day.” Then continue thinking about velociraptors
Yeah… My camera adds 30 pounds. But Photoshop takes it back off.
“Will.he.was”
-Will.i.am’s tombstone
Why do they even bother calling him 007, when the first thing he does is introduce himself using his REAL NAME?
Slippers made out of Lego so that when you step on Lego you just get taller.
Extra car key
Extra house key
Extra storage unit key
Key to an extra apartment with a liquor cabinet– Keys to a successful relationship
Go to a fancy restaurant. Order the lobster. Order it alive. When it comes, order food for your new pet lobster. Then take lobster home.
me: hey there’s a bloody oar in the water
friend: that’s foreboding
me: I know what they’re for
Is it solipsistic in here or is it just me?
For the orator and chef in all of us
The great thing about Twitter is that it gives everyone a platform to be heard.
The worst thing about Twitter is that it gives everyone a platform to be heard.
Something touched my leg while in the ocean and apparently I can walk on water now
11yo: Mom, can you look at the sky? It looks flat.
Me: That’s because it’s not real. You’re in the Matrix & they’ve got a second rate programmer on tonight.
11: Never mind.
I hate being woken up so if you find me sleeping, let me rest. If you can’t follow that simple rule, next time just hire another pilot.
If Jesus loves me how come he’s never liked a single one of my instagram selfies
Boss ordered me a new office chair and I’m uneasy about this eject button.
Every time I think the younger generation is stupid, I remind myself that we took a long time to figure out that WWF was all fixed !!
using only lowercase letters so everyone knows my stance on capitalism
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Scientists warn that Earth could run out of conspiracy theories by 2025 if they keep coming true at the current rate