No YOU tried to pet the albino skunk that wandered up from the woods.
Related: Never go outside w/out contacts and YES I need a shower.
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dentist: have you been flossing?
me: yes 🙂
dentist: your mouth?
me: no 🙁
Friend: Have you ever had an epiphany?
Me: Is it a little chocolate candy?
Friend: No.
Me: Then, no.
No need to pay for a gym when accidentally liking a selfie online makes your palms sweat and your heart race for free.
Your Czech is in the mail.
-Mail order brides
[sees a zebra for the first time]
What’s up with that horse?
[sees a giraffe for the first time]
Okay, what the hell is going on today?
‘I’m really excited about the Pixar cowboy figure I got for my birthday.’
‘Woody?’
‘Not quite that excited.’
Yes!
Great!
Bravo!
Hurrah!
Yippee!
Cheers!
Hooray!
Rah Rah!
Woo Hoo!
Whoopee!
Awesome!– Excerpt from “Fifty Shades of Yay!”
Sorry I ate your frisbee bro, I thought it was a tortilla, I like to eat tortillas I find at the park.
Me: Finally! A fridge with an automatic ice dispenser! This truly is the good life!
Also me: *reaches in to grab cubes with my hand EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.*
Shovelling the driveway with a heating pad jammed down the back of my shirt, the extension cord attached to the house like I’m an astronaut.
“Grammies” is a shortening of “gramophones.” Now that most people listen to music on their smartphones, the awards should probably be called (and I love this) “Phonies.”
if I eat the entire box of girl scout cookies at once then I’ll only hate myself one time instead of each time I eat them do the math sweetie
Me: spreads bacon grease on my toast
Also me: how did I gain weight this week?
I remember when all this was farmland!
*gestures toward internet*
I called my pet rock Stoney, until one day it flew out the front door and hit a car that ran over my mailbox, now the police call it Evidence.
gf: you should learn from your mistakes
me: ok! so teach me
My new sunglasses blend perfectly with the color of my hair so I won’t feel so stupid the next time I lose them on the top of my head.
I thought I felt a spider crawling on my neck.
Now I have to pretend I was breakdancing at this bank.
I always live in constant fear that a bicep avi is gonna steal my lady and treat her right
I start opening a delivered package before I even get back inside and my wife can let her packages sit unopened on the table for a week. Which one needs therapy?
“Liquor in the front, poker in the back” is not an acceptable tee shirt slogan for my church’s charity poker team…
I know that now.
*smokes fat doobie*
*enters hotdog eating contest*
*sets Guinness World Record*
*gets disqualified for using performance-enhancing drugs*
[God making a planet for the first time and just constantly screwing things up]
Ugh, first world problems.
We’re in the exact point of climate change as when wile e. coyote runs off the cliff but hasn’t looked down yet
My upstairs neighbor/friend passed away last week. We’d exchange hilarious barbs with every encounter.
His daughter just came to the door.Her: “My Dad really loved you. He left you this to help you with transportation, Ms. Caramel.”
It was a broom! 😂🤣
Sharp cheeses are so much better than dull cheeses
Guess who taught himself how to open the rice cooker and woke me up by screaming in between mouthfuls of hot rice
We really are the most blessed generation. We’ve had 7 iPhones and 7 Fast and Furious movies.
I still can’t believe someone stole my neighbours wind chimes tomorrow morning
I forgot the word “torch” earlier today so I googled “fire on a stick.” I have two degrees in English.