He said I’d love to look into that beautiful brain of yours.
I said, ok but it’s just like watching a squirrel running through traffic trying to get to the other side really.
And they say flirting is hard.
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2 Smurfs stand over a body…
“What happened?”
“Choked on a sandwich.”
“Nobody helped?”
“No.”
“Didn’t they see him turning bl-”
“…”
“Oh.”
I’m at a stage in life where I still want to be sexy but
WHY DO YOU KEEP WIPING YOUR BOOGERS ON MOMMY?!!
dog lover: [holding dog] this is my fur baby
me: [holding baby] this is my skin puppy
Husband: *choking on a Dorito*
Me: Wait. When did we get Doritos?
I put so much brandy in my warm milk last night, I don’t even remember going to bed. It was like Milk of Amnesia.
My 5yo: Mommy what are shark cooties.
Me: …. What?
5: Ava said shark cooties are her favorite snack.
Me: …..
Me: CHARCUTERIE. She likes charcuterie.
There’s an app for the people who say they’re not seeking some form of validation here. It’s called a diary.
Tired of people spying on me while I pretend to work
Marriage 1st Year.
Husband: Hey, beautiful, I’ve got candles lit and sexy music, ready for a night of romance?
Me: *blushes*Marriage 6th Year:
Husband: The kids are asleep, wanna have sex real quick?
Me: I literally just poured the milk on my cereal.
Either I just saw a bat in the garden or the mice are using hand-gliders to avoid our cat.
“Full of sound and fury signifying nothing.”–how I told my wife the baby was gassy but didn’t have poop. Thanks, English degree.
You deplete me
I have about 5 different personalities and not one of them can find my car keys.
Er, no; we’re clearly searching for firewood. Anything you wanna talk about, bro?
that little alien would be worth a lot more if it was in the original box, always keep the box for stuff like that
Some people say they don’t know what to do with their hands in pictures.
I still haven’t figured out what to do with my face.
Principal: *pats me on the back at my graduation*
Me, who has never been burped: *burps for two full hours*
I think playing Zelda gave me unrealistic expectations of how much of my neighbors’ pottery I can smash
I can’t wait for my grandma to ask me repeatedly why I don’t have a boyfriend “because I’m such a pretty girl”.
I’m a psycho, grandma.
american computer: would u like to enable cookies
british computer: alroyt mate do u want biscuits on yer laptop innit bruv
Me: Sweetie, I think these wireless headphones you got me are defective.
Wife: Those are earmuffs.
[getting a checkup]
DOCTOR: On average, how much alcohol do you drink in a day?
ME: *sweating* NO ONE SAID THERE WOULD BE ANY MATH
I’m gonna tell the kids my diet dessert bars are full of broccoli so they won’t eat them
This might be the most effective pickup strategy I’ve ever seen
Look, ice cream has eggs in it, therefore it is a breakfast food.
If anyone tells me doing something is a piece of cake, I presume it will gradually kill me by making me fat.
At what point should you worry about your drinking?
I bet it’s before your kid builds a Lego brewery.
[first date]
me: so, what’s your biggest fear?
her: snakes. i hate snakes
me: (whispering to the mongoose in my vest pocket): she’s the one
Its true…
These are troubling times, but as an incredibly drunk philosopher once said, “you can’t make lemonade without breaking a few eggs”