A student brought me 20 huge homemade chocolate chip cookies today. Good thing I have self-control–I saved one for my kids. To split.
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Gonna replace my friends’ hand sanitizer with lube and watch them rub their hands together for an hour while it doesn’t evaporate.
[at the park]
SON: dad dad what’s that in the sky?! (points at helicopter)ME: (forgetting the word helicopter) that son is……a blenderplane
Money is the root of all wealth
my car is dead & i saw a dead spider under the hood so like, do i need a new spider? i dont know a lot about how cars work
Judging by the amount of times I accidently cut myself on sharp objects it’s probably just as well real lightsabers aren’t available yet.
Coworker: Oh wow are you sick?
Me: No, Greg, I’m just ugly.
My 2yo held my face in his hands and whispered oh-so seriously: “don’t go to work daddy, stay with me.”
And so, I am never going to work again.
In high school we had a thing called Ethics Day put on by Chick-Fil-A where they would give out coupons for free chicken sandwiches. My friends and I found the book of all the coupons and stole it. The devils of Ethics Day.
(understanding 0% of what I’m being told as i’m getting trained for my new job) that all makes perfect sense, no questions
her: i’m a cat person
me:
her:
me: name one part of u that’s cat, Becky
As a kid I had an imaginary friend, Jerry Lapston. He had a backstory and everything. The funniest thing though was that my little brother wanted a friend too, and in a moment of youthful innocence came up with the best creepy imaginary friend name ever: Uncle Bathingsuit
Asking for a donation like Wikipedia every time someone asks me a question
I can only listen to Russian classical music after drinking creamy tea too fast.
The chai cough’s key
“What about this? What about this? And this?”–me, taunting museum curator MC Hammer.
“Son, you suck.”
-Dracula, teaching his children basic survival tactics
Sometimes i think my life sucks. Then i look at the lives of others. Then it hits me. My life does suck!!
Time for my annual harsh but true fitness assessment in the Target fitting room 🙁
A guy just tried to mansplain me what a sawhorse is but I shut him down because I am well aware that it’s the past tense of seahorse! Ok, thanksbuhbye.
All the baby books tell you that infants need to eat every 2 to 3 hours, but what they fail to mention is that this behavior continues until the child turns 18 and moves out of your house.
I have my own hand stamper at home so my coworkers will think I went someplace fun the night before.
me: wheres the 13th floor?
builder: we skip it in all our buildings
me: what why
builder:
me:
builder: *embarrassed* too spooky
back in the day nobody sent birthday messages, you had to mail out party invites and wait 3 weeks to discover 80% of your friends hate your guts
As a kid, I thought Simba was crazy to run after Mufasa was killed.
But, after watching so many true crime docs, I get it. It does look like he lured his dad to that gorge. Witnesses heard him sing “I just can’t wait to be king.”
A good prosecutor could get a conviction with that
Whenever a long lost friend calls me, I get suspicious & wonder if he’s calling me to sell Amway products..
My wife told me some guy at the bar was buying her drinks all night to get me jealous.
We’ll it worked. I wish he was buying me drinks.
“You’re so chill” me: *in a coma*
The weatherman keeps saying we are getting a pounding.
*Followed*
Normalise saying “better you than me” to people who keep complaining about everything.
the only reason sharks haven’t built an advanced civilization yet is because they’ll die if they stop swimming. they simply have no time to scribe laws or lay bricks or invent pottery