They say you’ll never forget your first kiss, but what they don’t tell you is you will also never forget the first time you throw up everything you consumed at the state fair.
You Might Also Like
Everyday is Easter when you’re shaped like an egg
Lost my watch at a party once. I saw a guy step on it while harassing a girl. I walked up and punched him straight on the nose. I said: No one does that to a girl…not on my watch.
Perfect.
Sometimes I look at my children and think, “I helped make those,” and then I just want to apologize for what I’ve unleashed on the world.
I’m scared. I just got poked on Facebook.
Misery loves company,
and apparently that’s why my parents invite me over every Thanksgiving weekend.
Your eyes may say yes, but your eyebrows are screaming “I will boil your bunny the minute you ignore me!”
The hairdresser asking me what special plans I have for the day like this wasn’t it
[slams a leaf blower down on the counter at Home Depot] this hairdryer is too dangerous
The idea of a fight club with rules is ridiculous. My fight club can’t even keep track of the snack chart.
Greek yogurt should have Greek names.
“What flavor you got?”
“Strawberry-Banananopoulos”
my allegiance to alligators is based on a gut feeling. you see, the crocodile deliberately looks like he wants me dead, and as soon as possible. the alligator appears to give less of a shit, generally. so i’m like, sure, that’s something we can deal with. that’s a starting point
Me: *returns from bakery with a bap, bagel, bun & cob*
Wife: What are these?
Me: The synonym rolls you asked for.
Wife: CINNAMON.
A smart Halloween costume would be an angel costume because if you died, you could just sneak your way into heaven & be like “I’m back yall”
Christmas can be really hard for single people. Everyone else is having a brilliant time and we have to hide the fact that every day is like that for us.
[going to the moon]
Co-astronaut: and 3…2…1…take off!
Me: oh no
Co-astronaut: what
Me: I left my coffee on top of the rocket
[driving date home]
me: where do I drop you off?
her: here is fine
me: you live on the beach?
her: *walks into sea*
Joseph: *putting his arm around Mary* may I be the first to ever say to you ‘Merry Christmas’
Mary: *shrugging his arm off* we’re Jewish Joseph
I’m exhausted. There was a local FB person who posted an angry rant about not liking people who use “fowl language” & you have NO idea how much self-discipline it took for me yesterday to NOT respond with a comment full of bird puns.
The fact that the overhead camera in front of my office is fake doesn’t stop me from giving it the finger on the way out every day.
Imagine a spider. Scary, right? Wrong. This spider is imaginary. Really makes you think
The “self-lubricated catheter” and the “discreet pocket catheter” have me rethinking what role catheters ought to be playing in my life.
Please stop saying, “not all heroes wear capes.” It is hurting business and times are very hard here at the cape factory lately.
. 🧔🏻/ It’s
<) ) 🎹🎹🎹
/🧔🏻 9 o’clock
( (> 🎹🎹🎹
/🧔🏻/ On a Saturday
<) ) 🎹🎹🎹
/The regular crowd
👴🏻/ 👵🏽/ 👩🏻/ 👨🏽/
<) ) <) ) <) ) <) )
/ / / /Shuffles in
Even though it’s a quarantine you still need to shave your legs or deal with stubble and snagging your sheets.
Son: dad there’s a spider in my room!
Me: he’s more afraid of you than you are of him
Son: can you get rid of him
Me: no because I’m like ten times more afraid of him than he is of you
Cheerleaders are there to tell you that your team needs to score more points & the name of your team in case you forget at any given moment
Answer my phone? No thanks.
I’ve seen what happens to Liam Neeson.
Me: I got the birthday cake for our son
Wife: It says Happy 3rd Birthday Josh
Me: oh shit he’s gonna be 4 isn’t he
Wife: His name is Jake
Bandanas are back in style, it only took a worldwide pandemic.