Whatever I was born in like 10 mangers
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♫ Hey there Delilah, what’s it like when u go grazing
I know u said you’re not a cow but girl this milk sure tastes amazing
Did u just moo ♫
I don’t hate anyone. I just don’t like people.
if you tell me to watch until the end, the end better be in five seconds
People always ask us if Die Hard is a Christmas movie and our answer is always the same: Please just rent something.
BUNNIES: I love hopping!
SNAKE WITH BUNNY EARS ON A POGO STICK: Haha yes, but shouldn’t we get home and check on our delicious babies?
I taught my 7yo chess and she’s created a lengthy backstory about how this once-peaceful community came to odds and a lengthy battle ensued. I am now of the mind that all chess should have a plot.
Horror movies have given me an unrealistic expectation about finding an armoire with a false back where a ghost lives.
How much wood would Steve Winwood win if Steve Winwood could win wood?
[speed dating]
Her: I’m a little bit country.
Me: I’m a little bit ready for the next person.
[high school reunion]
Amanda: wow, you haven’t changed a bit
me: [covered in acne and wearing faded Pokemon shirt]: yeah I know
I just read a thing that said I should compliment myself on my decisions, regardless of outcome. No thanks, I’m not the government.
The lengths my ex will go to in order to make me jealous are astounding. Like getting married and having a kid. IT’S NOT WORKING, JANET
*At the bar
Me)Is this seat taken?
Woman)I have a boyfriend
Me)That’s OK, I’m 50. I just want to sit down
Worst part about going to work this morning was the look on my dog’s face that said “sucks for you, I’m going back to sleep”.
“You’re never going to believe this, but my doctor just told me I’ve got a protein deficiency.”
“No whey!”
My in-laws are visiting…
This is their homicide note.
Spiderman, Spiderman/
Does whatever a spider can/
Attends college/
Works as a photographer/
Just like a spider
I leave my vacuum in the middle of the floor at all times so when I have unexpected company I can say I was just about to clean my house.
Well, at least my kids are finding new and exciting ways to make my two college degrees meaningless.
I feel bad for tailgating this minivan so closely but once I started watching Kung Fu Panda on his back seat TV I had to see it through.
Being married means never admitting you were the last one to see the item that is now lost.
I see you have a tattoo that says “Only god can judge me.” Buddy, you’re not gonna believe what im doing right now.
It’s weird how opposites attract, like red wine & a new shirt
*dies*
*gets to heaven*
*sees furries everywhere*
Me: What the…
Jeebus: Hell hath no furry, man
*laughs, puts on giraffe costume*
Any movie can be a Christmas movie if you eat 37 sugar cookies while watching.
CDC Recommends Also Wearing Face Mask On Back Of Head In Case Coronavirus Attacks From Rear
With age comes wisdom. And digestive trouble.
Tony Hawk, age 6
I’m on a roof fixing gutters. If I was on roofies, I’d be in a gutter. HAHAHAH I’M SO FUNNY!
Congratulations, Americans who write “Cheers” at the end of e-mails. You’ve found something even more pretentious than “Sent from my iPhone”