I don’t understand why people get embarrassed buying condoms. It’s much more awkward trying to return them. “Uhm… she didn’t like me.”
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“Accountant jokes are funny but don’t really apply to me…”
~All accountants
Me *dying* no, no, no, I can’t join the afterlife with these on
[Later]
Wife: What the hell is that noise?
Son: I think that ghost is wearing flip flops
Single and never gonna mingle.
I tested positive for aloneavirus.
I’m goth enough to know that when your basement door opens for no apparent reason, you walk down those steps.
Of course I trust you, the hidden cameras were to capture possible paranormal activities.
This librarian isn’t even wearing glasses! I’m not even going to ask her where a book is. She’s not going to know.
Me: So if a bunch of people have infections do you guys have a staph meeting?
Doctor: I’m going to give you a shot to help me relax
I like how impressionistic the French language is. You only have to pronounce half of the letters then you just think about the rest.
Bear attack by generation:
Boomer – kill bear level forest into a mall parking lot
Gen x – climb tree build fort
Gen y – wait for helicopter Gen. x parent to fix it
Gen z – die doing bear makeover for insta
I’d like to say I have a yoga body, but it’s really more of a Yoda body.
Resist all the cheese, I can’t.
Me: I’ve had a long day. Make it a double.
Nurse administering the Covid shot: What?
Me:*typing furiously* I’ve bypassed the firewall and I’m hacking into the mainframe now
Arby’s customer: So is my order placed or not
Me: No
Hey gurl, were you taped to the inside of a birthday card from my grandmother? Cause you’re a dime.
If practice makes perfect, why in the hell are we all so shit at sleeping as adults!
Hungover this morning, just accidentally flushed my toilet again right after I’d flushed it and found myself apologizing to it, aloud. So I guess quarantine has turned me into a Canadian?
Me: [first day at work] I’ve finally found my dream job.
Me: [4 days later] I just want to go home, nobody likes me and I think the printer is haunted.
“Bring forth the sacrifice. The ritual must proceed.”
If I were Amish, I’d have to convert to Pmish cause I’m not a morning person.
Things I can’t tell if missus saying to me or animals.
Food is ready.
Don’t lick that.
Don’t hump that.
Stop growling.
I love you.
Put your penis away.
Get back here.
Don’t eat that.
Get out.
Come here.
What are you doing with my underwear?
Don’t bite.
when your parents get a divorce you gotta figure out if pokemon mom or pokemon dad has better exclusives. lucky if you have a sibling so you can each pick one and trade
If you look to me for any advice, what comes next, as well as any subsequent jail time, is on you.
Approx 4,500yrs ago men would wake up everyday to build the great pyramid. I got up this morning with anxiety about unloading the dishwasher
Stop.
I sexually identify as an avocado.
Not in the mood.
Not in the mood.
Not in the mood.
Oh yes tonight is the nigh-
Too late, I’m over it.
In my 20s, I was bullied by a crow the size of a chicken for several months.
I find a hole in one of my socks and think “alright, let’s put it back in the drawer and see if it heals.”
I brag that having kids gets you out of stuff, but my colleague just used her gerbil’s illness to skip a corporate retreat. So basically this family could have been a gerbil.
Me: I want to open a horse training facility. Call it a gymneighsium lol.
Bank manager: Get out.
After two divorces, I think I’ve found the key to a successful marriage. Don’t marry a cunt.
[Me to the second baseman after I slide into 2nd] Make sure u separate plastics & food waste
[Coach from dugout] NOT THAT KIND OF TRASH TALK