COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *pretending I’m asleep so he has to carry me up to my bed*
COP: Oh dang
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When are we gonna admit that those tools we keep by the fireplace are just for killing people?
The last 23,000 tweets were sent by my dog and bad decisions.
[Leaving for work]
*can’t find computer bag*
*looks for computer bag*
*finds computer bag*
*sets down computer bag*
*uses restroom*
*can’t find computer bag*
Husband and I just heard a noise. Neither of us feels like investigating so we just said See ya on the other side.
First date – I’ll have an ice water and a lettuce wedge
Tenth date – I’ll have a large pizza, extra cheese. What do you want, honey?
To see someone’s true savage nature, you must observe them eat crab legs at a buffet.
Hi… So do you like really chunky lower legs and stuff? I kick strong!
~ Me, clearly not impressing the girls when I was in High School.
Someday, scientists will capture the energy of eye rolls to produce electricity, and the world will be a cleaner, more sarcastic place.
I hate when I go to Subway and they barely put any toppings on.
When I take a bite, I want it to look like I went head to head with a garden, and won.
*novela book bar*
bartender: let me guess books not booze
him: tequila …
bartender: ’bout time here you go
him: … mockingbird
bartender: there it is
did… did they arrest the mountain lions
My wife urged me to be more experimental in the bedroom, but I guess she wasn’t expecting I’d be dissecting so many white mice.
I never thought you could get your hand stuck in a ukulele
But here we are
ladies, imagine this: its 15 years from now. u did it. your time machine worked
Wind chimes prevent the air from sneaking up on you.
I’m so broke that if my girlfriend leaves me for another guy I swear that I’m going with them.
Dear people up north: Your weather is down here drunk in my front yard. Please come get it.
Really discouraging that there’s still bald people in sci fi movies.
If anyone is interested I’ll be signing books tomorrow at Barnes & Noble from 6:00pm until I get escorted out by security.
CAR SALESMAN: How can I help you?
ME: I’m looking to immediately lose money on a terrible investment.
CAR SALESMAN: That’s my specialty.
The most I’ve ever spent on a bottle of wine is about 45 minutes
I trust Chick-fil-A so much that I don’t even check my bag and if they get my order wrong I just assume they know what’s best for me.
This buffalo chicken salad would be great if it weren’t for all this salad
Friend: you know what would suck
Me: yes, being a claustrophobic turtle
Friend:
Me:
Friend: how do you even function
There are two sides to every story and I’m usually wrong in both.
I hope in my next life I come back as a McChicken so men will look at me lovingly and also settle for me out of desperation
My 3-year-old gave me a sticker for behaving myself in public. She’s doing a good job of raising her parents.
*sprains wrist doing sports
“MY NACHO HAND!”