ST BERNARD DOG: [getting ready for work] Honey have you seen my barrel?
WIFE: Which one?
SBD: The little one I wear AROUND MY NECK EVERY DAY
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Doctors, soldiers, firefighters. These are all respected positions. But the position I respect most as a parent
Is a driver’s Ed instructor
[date]
ME: Tell me about yourself
HER: I love good listeners and Fred Astaire
ME: That’s weird
HER: What is?
ME: Being afraid of stairs
The weird similarities between gold nuggets and chicken nuggets
– come from a pan
– golden color
– get stuck in my throat when I swallow them whole
My daughter knows what a meth lab is thanks to an episode of The Simpsons.
At least that’s what I had to tell child services just now.
Weird that humans evolved shins long before we’d need to find furniture in the dark
Someone tried to abduct me today by sloppily painting “taco truck” on the side of a windowless van.
There were no tacos in there. Please send help.
Sure you say you don’t want to be a parent but do you really want to risk missing the opportunity to say “take your feet out of the popcorn child!”
Me: coming to the office Xmas party?
Steve: no [whispers] Lisa just lost her father
Me: there’ll be like 50 of us there. We’ll help you look
You get what you pay for. Unless the delivery man leaves it on your doorstep. Then the fastest person on your street gets what you paid for.
The grass is greener on whatever side of the fence you water it. Stay in your own yard. Trespassers get shot in my yard.
BOSS: you’re late
ME: *grabs cup out of his hand* it’s pronounced “latte” but thanks
Technically, it’s not road rage once you pull into their living room.
me: i need an appointment for tomorrow
receptionist: how about 9
me: no i only need one
New comic up. “Ransom”
We need a dna profiling service for what kind of hats a person can pull off credibly
You can tell a lot about people, you just don’t need to.
Wow, pretty rude for people to exist that are younger & hotter than me but OK
My doctor said if I wanna drop a few pounds I’d have to stay away from carbs
So I’ve been using this insanely long straw to drink beer
My husband didn’t have Snapchat so I convinced him to download it “because it will be fun!” and the first request he received was from his ex-girlfriend, so I deleted my husband’s Snapchat bc what grown man needs a stupid Snapchat anyway.
(first date)
Her: I work in a science lab.
Me: (trying to impress) I donated my brain for research.
Venus and Serena are famous for being Tennis-y Williams
My 9yo on Shark Tank:
“It’s a shirt, but look, it’s also a napkin!”
Nothing confuses me more than vegan mascara. Who is eating mascara?
My bank messaged me saying ” Stay healthy, stay safe”.
I replied “you too.”
[2 monkeys in a bath]
Monkey 1: OOOHH OOHH AHH AHHH AHAH!!
Monkey 2: If it’s too hot Colin, put some cold water in
I’m not saying I don’t love it when my 5yo says she wants to hug me I just wish it wasn’t almost exclusively said when she’s pooping.
My most difficult parenting challenge to date is when my toddler shouted “oh my god, not again!” when my over talkative neighbour came to chat to us and I had to try not to laugh
Adding “family” to words sucks out all the fun: Vacation? Family vacation. Car? Family car. Movie? Family movie. Affair? Family affair.
Prayers for my distraught 4yo whose pet leaf just blew away in a gust of wind
TWITTER: something just isn’t clicking here
HORDE OF RACIST EGGS: [cacophony of immoral filth]
TWITTER: eliminate the looping video service