me: [typing] donkey kong
fbi agent watching my screen: don’t do it
me: donkey kong no tie
fbi agent: god damnit-[into radio] take him down
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people only watched my two hour youtube video dissertation on false advertising centered in the landscape of 21st century social media through to the end because I told them to ‘wait for it’ in the description
A reenactment of ketchup in the 16th century. So delicious, they were all deemed witches.
Her: I ran across a YouTube video called “Why You Will Marry the Wrong Person.”
Me: Did you watch it?
Her: No, it was 22 minutes long. I figure I’ll just take my chances.
I love my kids, but not “Puts reindeer antlers and red nose on my SUV during the holiday season” loves my kids.
I set my alarm extra early so I have enough time to lay in bed & be angry about having to wake up
A perfectionist walked into a bar. Apparently it wasn’t set high enough.
I say, “Hi, friend,” to every animal I see, every time I see one, so they know I’m not their enemy, even to my own pets & it lessens my chances of being attacked.
Therapist: *pinching bridge of nose* I don’t charge enough an hour for this.
Me: *sees his fish tank* “Hi, friend.”
man: you’re beautiful
me: gross
man: humanity is a black hole of stupid and i’m dying inside
me: [heart beats fast] oh my god are you single
Overheard my kids talking about how weird their teacher is.
I’m their teacher.
her: what do you want?
me: to pay for my sins
her: this is a McDonald’s drive thru
me: I mean to pay for my McSins
The host of the UK Apprentice sounds like the villain a toothpaste company’s marketing department came up with
We should have burned social media to the ground when they started helping us reconnect with old friends
I never claimed to have all the answers. I said two. I have two answers. There’s a guy in Nebraska who has six. Go bother him.
I’m really shy in RL.
But on here, I can wildly yell “I hate corn!” without thinking twice.
[me as an uber driver]
yeah I have a degree but this way I can also make crying in my car profitable
Watching a Canadian stream, I just saw an ad for “OK Tire”. That’s the kind of business I want to buy from, one where I’m 75% sure the tires won’t just explode on the highway.
[during sex]
Can you please take your Fitbit off.
[First person to ride a horse]
‘I’m going to sit on that thing and I don’t care how angry it gets.’
We’ve got people working on world peace, and I’m here wondering how I can swipe a piece of my patient’s chocolate without her noticing.
You’re only as smart as the dumbest thing you’ve ever said on the Internet.
my daughter brought home a drawing from preschool today and when i asked enthusiastically “honey, did you draw this???” she replied “someone else did but i took it”
*uses Mr. Clean magic eraser to wipe off your drawn on eyebrows*
Before letters were invented the alphabet song was an instrumental.
My wife takes 13 bikinis for a 4-day beach trip. Meanwhile, I’m rocking the swimming trunks my mom bought at K-Mart in 1991.
Learning just enough german words to yell so I can scare my neighbors
Picture me eating dinner.
Wrong!
Louder. Drunker.
Even more backup dancers.
Too many catfish out there. Verify your identity by posting yourself holding a spoon. I’ll go first
I can usually tell when a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs.
I cleaned the door glass and one of the dogs is barking at his reflection. That tells you how filthy the windows were.
[Petco]
INTERVIEWER: We’re looking for a real fish person.
ME: Like a mermaid?
INTERVIEWER: