“I asked you to find me some books about birding.”
“Yes, are these titles not helpful?”
“No! These books are all about going out and looking at birds. I don’t want to do that!”
“I’m now equal parts eager and apprehensive to find out what the word ‘birding’ means to you.”![]()
You Might Also Like
Whenever I see a family and one child is trudging slightly behind everyone and crying, I want to lean in and whisper, “Someday you will write jokes.”
Interviewer: Why do you think you’d make a good waiter?
Me: (says nothing)
Interviewer: are you…waiting?
Me: *nods*
Interviewer: holy shit
Let me get this straight. The guy was raised by animals in the jungle with no human contact whatsoever and he named himself George?
Waved to my ex today, next time I might use all my fingers
I’m sorry the hint I dropped on you was tied to an anvil.
Give me a minute, I can make this about me.
Spent 10mins fighting a spider last night before finding out it was a flake of cardboard
I’m fine
*looks over shoulder*
*puts tiny piece of paper in trash*Wife (from upstairs): THAT CAN BE RECYCLED!!!
The problem is, once you get the bear in a headlock, you’re going to have to let him go at some point and he’s going to be pissed.
When my pc crashes, I go to the guy with the most action figures in his cubicle for help.
My cat has taught me a lot about life. Like if there’s any trace of ribbon in the house, you should eat it and then get sick on the carpet.
I was just shushed.
*sharpening knife*
I am much less afraid of jail when I’m drunk.
no matter what the government says no one can stop you from eating the bugs you find in your garden
When the teacher told my 5yo that America was below Canada, my son thought that if you dug a hole deep enough in Canada you’d get to America
My kids are giving all the people on this plane a hard lesson in birth control right now.
Genie: So let me get this straight, your first wish was for your cat to talk?
Me: yes.
Genie: and then your second wish was he couldn’t talk anymore?
Me: He was mean to me.
Genie: And now your third wish is he can talk again?
Me: I just thought of a great come back!
My husband asked me offhandedly if he had any annoying habits then got fucking offended during the PowerPoint presentation
Do kids eat more under quarantine?
Since we stocked the house with food, my son is taking to eating like he’s being personally challenged.
[Looking out the window]
Me: I don’t understand this show.
NO…I don’t “make plans” because plans suggest INTENT…
…which is typically the distinction between second & first degree convictions.
Are you actually cleaning the house if you haven’t shouted at everyone in it?
A load of falling lizards is called a blizzard, right??
Imguana see myself out
Possible Fact: If you suffer with freezing cold hands, you are contractually obliged to test their temperature by putting them on people.
Our cruise ship’s movie theater is showing Titanic. That’s a foreshadow, right?
I could never commit gun violence. The only things I know how to reload are my pill caddy and a Pez dispenser.
(what they said)
Please do not bring any alcohol on the plane.(what I heard)
Please chug all alcohol & slap somebody before boarding.
Who called it Star Trek III – The Search For Spock and not Finding Nemoy?
WIFE: if you misinterpret one more thing I say, I’m leaving
ME: please don’t, I promise I’ll change
WIFE: ok you’ve got a week
ME: [crying] a weak what?