date: I like it when guys know what they want in life
me: *megaphone right in her face* ham
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My youngest son can grow a beard even though his father can’t.
Score 1, for my facial hair producing genes.
“Sorry, are you…?”
“Oh… no! No, I’m not, sorry…”
“Ah! That’s ok, haha, thanks, sorry”
“Sorry”Transcript of a Brit asking another Brit if they’re in the queue
I live in Texas. If I buy four bags of ice I have approximately 3/4 of a cup of ice when I get home.
My sunscreen says its SPF 100. I opened the tube and squeezed out a blanket.
I lost my voice so basically I’m every mans dream girl right now.
What is a ‘sexual prime’ and can I get it on Amazon?
Me, 5 minutes into the zombie apocalypse: Fresh brains here, come and get your brains!
The only acceptable C word for describing women is Confident.
Cunts love it when you call them that.
*drinking my first beer with my dad*
“I can’t believe you made me eat the other ones”
Me: if I’m not superman then explain THIS! *rips shirt open*
Her: um you’re not wearing the costume
Me: pretty strong though
The one prank I think about often is George Clooney cleaning Richard Kind’s cat’s litter box to make him think his cat hadn’t been pooping and then finally laying a big one in the litter box himself as a punchline
Wife is angry because “somebody” dripped grape jelly onto the dog’s head.
It feels very accusatory.
Toys R Us went out of business because their mascot was a stupid giraffe when it could’ve been a toy dinosaur called the Toysaurus. It was right there man.
buy a fitted sheet one size bigger than your mattress and start living your life
“How many volunteers do we have for my evil army?”
384 my liege
“Ok, round them up”
400 my liege
“[I] broke up with him because I was sick of justifying his trench coat to my friends” – Overheard on the bus
Blind Date Tip: In the middle of dinner throw a surprise punch to see if they are really blind
respect
is nobodey else concerned that ‘charlottes web’ ends w/ the birth of generations upon generations of hyper-inteligent sentient spider babies
My personal trainer said I should have a protein shake every night at 11pm.
That’s whey past my bedtime.
8y/o: Do prisons have libraries?
Me: Yeah, usually.
8y/o: Yay! So I can still read when I’m in prison.
Lois Lane: “Clark, have you given any thought to contact lenses?”
Clark Kent: *starts sweating nervously*
When my boss asked me who is the stupid one, me or him?
I told him everyone knows he doesn’t hire stupid people……
My dogs have requested that I stop trying to homeschool them.
I hate it when all of North America tells me I exaggerate
I gave my son an iPhone for Christmas and I haven’t seen him since.
Parenting is easy.
New research in early toy-purchase psychology has found that the majority of parents subconsciously hope their children become xylophonists.
*gets lockjaw when putting on eyeliner*
Apparently, autocorrect wants me to get my shirt together.