Mugger: Give me everything you got
Me: Hope you like a low credit score and insomnia
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My daughter just informed me that 75% of you follow me because of how I look.
I’m not sure if I’m flattered or insulted.
Once again I find myself online shopping for a velvet cloak at 4am. But fear not, me. one day you will be online shopping for something else at 4am whilst wearing a beautiful velvet cloak.
QUESTION: What were the very first straws made of? ANSWER: Straw.
date: I think we’ve actually met before
picasso: sorry I’m not good with faces
Mom, who’s a physics teacher, accepts a challenge from her son, who’s a soccer player, to move a mini-soccer ball
[explaining the plot of my favorite book to my date]
me: so you know how most caterpillars are only a little hungry?
If someone offered to give me a million dollars to name the two teams playing sportsball today, I’d make exactly no dollars.
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the Hulk hands at home tomorrow
A few summers ago I stopped at some kids’ lemonade stand. As I took a sip, the youngest boy stuck his whole arm in the pitcher and stirred.
I don’t have Facebook I use the police to tell my friends and family when I’m doing badly
*pauses show* Kids, back in my day we couldn’t watch episode after episode. We would have to wait each week on a specific day and time for a new episode and if we missed it … ARE YOU GUYS WATCHING THE SHOW ON YOUR PHONES?!
When we do get this coronavirus vaccine, it better not just be cake.
I love ordering from Panera because it’s always a surprise. Am I going to get the spinach-egg white-avocado sandwich I ordered, or perhaps a steak and egg bagel? Maybe a lovely tomato soup for breakfast? It’s like a don’t-pick-your-own adventure!
[being murdered]
Two Murderers: *trying to kill me at the same time but their stabs cancel out*
Me: *becomes even more alive*
There’s a fine line between confidence and delusion and I ride that shit like a bear on a unicycle.
Me: Nothing has better sucking capability than a Dyson vacuum.
Dracula: You can’t be serious.
Kid: Your my best friend, Mom.
Me: *eyes well up with tears* It’s you’re.
when someone else makes a typo: lmao. you wanna eat lumch? look at this idiot. gonna eat a samdwich for lumch? lumch boy wants his lumch
when i make a typo: hello is this the witness protection program
I forgot the word for decaf so called it a despresso
I don’t like atheism. I’ve worked too many minimum wage jobs for someone to tell me there’s nothing after this. I once waitresses the smoking section of Applebee’s. Smelled like divorce papers signed with a gun shot. I need heaven!
when I was younger and an attractive woman’s gaze lingered, it would be a huge confidence boost – now I’m like shit is my shirt on inside out
Given the amount of clowns around here you’d think it would be more entertaining
I said something about March 31st and my husband said, “Honey, there aren’t 31 days in March.”
Friends, with the most-bro-is-always-right smirk, he pulled his phone out to fact check my ass and then said, “Ha Ha Just Kidding! You know I was kidding right? It was a joke.”
I bought one of those bodybuilding spray tan machines so I look like mahogany furniture year round
Me- *Merging in traffic* Am I clear on your side?
13- *continues looking at her phone* Yes
IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENT IN THE TWEET BELOW
I don’t know how I feel about ghosts. Never seen one, but I don’t deny the possibility they exist. But this video is chilling. A chill went up my spine. Watch at your own risk. Don’t blink. Terrifying. I now believe.
Pescaterian: eats fish
Pestcaterian: eats insects
Pezcaterian: eats candy from a cartoon character
I literally have no idea what my friends had for lunch today.
Important