[Whole Foods]
ME: Where are all the donuts?
CASHIER: We uh…we don’t sell donuts
ME: Well what other hole foods are there?!
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Chivalry isn’t dead. He’s just sleeping. Right, chivalry? CHIVALRY!?
My daughter told us that she learned the life cycle of a frog, and when asked to recite it, she said, “eggs, tadpole, frog, prince, ex-husband.”
Mama said there’d be days like this, and also “knock you out” ??? I don’t know, you talk to her. She sounds drunk.
I am so used to automatic doors at work that when I come across one I have to physically open I just stand there like a dummy
Most people use photoshop to create amazing art or graphic design. I use it to make fake Doritos flavors.
“A computer keyboard has more bacteria than a toilet seat.” I don’t doubt it, given the shit my boss sends us in email.
Getting my kid ready for her Girl Scouts trip to a horse farm
Wife: get your hair in a pony tail before you go
Kid: why do I have to do that?
Me: it’s a sign of good faith for the other ponies
Kid:
Me: it shows that you’re one of them and helps gain their trust
me: *getting murdered*
wait.. did you wash your hands?
No officer, my car was already upside down when I got here.
“10 Things I Hate About You” is my favorite movie that sounds like a bitter Buzzfeed article
Lately *certain* individuals have been making very hurtful remarks about my personal choice to wear mittens rather than gloves.
But I don’t like to point fingers.
I love triscuits. It’s like eating a basket
i cannot relate to all these YA main characters that have the focus and determination to complete their little tasks and save the world. after about two weeks when the hyperfixation of it wore of, i’d let the planet die bc i discovered knitting
Dr: You have walking pneumonia.
Me: That’s impossible.
Dr: Wha..
Me: I’ve never walked a day in my life.
Netflix an..holy shit! How’d you get your pants off that fast?
Mrs. Jekyll: I’m eating for two
Dr. Jekyll: oh no not you too
Twitter should give you 5,000 followers when you start and then you have to try and lose them.
I was getting chased by a man yelling “STOP, POLICE!” & I yelled “YES YES STOP POLICE! THEY’RE OUT OF CONTROL!” But he kept chasing me
Browsing Prime this morning and clicked “Sort by Price: High to Low” like my life is some sort of rap video.
Thought a guy on a bicycle was doing a fist pump so I almost did one back until I realized he was just really enthusiastic about turning right
“DOC TELL ME STRAIGHT”
doc: u got lou gherrigs disease
*cops barge in* ur under arrest
“FOR WHAT”
cop: mr gherrig reported a missing disease
*brings elephant to knife fight
*nobody talks about it
I don’t want to stand, Apple Watch. You stand.
[canadians at you, canadianly]
If you wear oversized sweats to the grocery store, and an attractive man smiles at you, is it a flirty smile or a pity smile?
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions.
“He stole a penguin from the zoo.”
YOU SAID YOU WANTED A BUTLER, KAREN.
Sorry folks, Twitter’s broken. Moose out front should have told you.
The year is 2316. Humans have 12ft long arms from centuries of taking selfies.
I have no fear of my family pulling the plug on me if I ever go on life support because I know how much they love wasting electricity
[ten seconds into tv interview where my identity is being protected]
camera guy: don’t try to disguise your own voice, let the machine do it