Obamacare? More like “Obama? I don’t care for that guy!!!” Honk if you want poor people to die
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Kid: Can I eat candy for breakfast?
Me: No of course not! Now finish your donuts.
[Barber holding a mirror showing me the back of my neck] nope, no good, please start over
Me: What time are we leaving?
Wife: In 3 or 4 hours
Me: Ok, I’ll be waiting in the car
Overheard: “My dad froze my account and I only had $4 in my pocket last night so I went to the Sunoco and bought 3 scratch offs and won $15 so guess who’s going out tonight”
people don’t get a second dog. they get their dog a dog
My axe boyfriend was a lumberjack.
I’m sorry.
“Nothing there? Better bark at it.” – a dog
My husband said he’d gotten an idea for a gift for me from a show he’s been watching. I just realized that thanks to free HBO on Hulu he’s rewatching The Sopranos. Now I’m a bit concerned.
I hate the number 7 like “ohh look at me I’m all prime and lucky ohhhh”. You’re just a wonky 1, grow up already
Kids these days know “I Want It That Way” by Backstreet Boys from a Febreze commercial and I’ve never felt older…until I started this tweet with “Kids these days”.
Kim Kardashian’s birthday is today AND she got engaged to Kanye West! It’s almost like it was made for TV! Wait….
Tried to steal some candy from a baby.
I got hit in the face with a rattle and then it puked on me
They lied about how easy that was.
Sometimes I like to play the power card and remind my husband that I was once woken up to a phone hitting me in the head. He tied it to the ceiling fan to reach a certain number of steps and it flew off.
If you want me to save a horse and ride a cowboy, you better spare a tree and eat a beaver.
Like, obviously I’m against a baby fight club on a moral basis but in terms of humor it’s gold
Life is not a sprint, it’s a Marathon gas station that’s always out of your favorite drink and someone is always in the restroom when you need to go.
Falling in love is like diving into a tin of marshmallows, then hitting your head on the bottom.
The voices are having a huge argument tonight, I’m just hoping to fall asleep before the rational one drags me into it.
Him: Can you please stop using the bananas like they are phones
Me: But how am I supposed to contact the gorillas
Him: You’re unbelievable!
Gorilla *over banana*: When are you leaving him?
Me: You take my breath away.
Pollen: lol
why tf did we learn state capitals?? when has anyone ever “topeka is the capital of kansas”’d their way out of a real problem
subtitles are for when you’re eating chips
We just joined a gym and they asked me to pick a 4 digit member number and I opened my mouth and my husband said, “I stg if you use your bank pin.”
I was, in fact, going to use my bank pin💀
Experts say that human interaction is important for brain health but I’m willing to risk it.
Interviewer: So why did you leave your last job?
Me: Someone found out my birthday and decorated my cubicle with balloons.
Doc Brown: We have to be extra careful not to alter the past or the future!
Also Doc Brown: lmao flying train
hey guys I chipped my tooth and now I can do the land down under flute solo when I laugh
Therapist: Your mother is so overprotective she is the cause of your issues connecting to women emotionally
Me: Well yo mama so stupid she tried to climb Mountain Dew
Someone forgot to tell my body that calories after midnight don’t count
There are some people that, when you think about them, you just feel better. And that’s nice.