Mom: how’s therapy
Me: ok. my anxiety is better
Mom: great
Me: yeah
Mom:
Me:
Mom: so did u get the article I sent u about the flesh eating b
You Might Also Like
At least try to make it slightly believable
A pizza falls into a wormhole and is transported to cavepeople times. A woman discovers and tastes it. “Needs mammoth.”
Two hundred dollars for a women’s blazer?? Am I paying it to do the work for me??
“How about if I put a balloon over it? Would you touch it then?”
-guy who invented condoms
Can’t believe my daughter said I was embarrassing her by trying to be cool. She needs to check the tude & stop being so wiggity wiggity wack
My time has come.
Judge: And that’s how we’re determining who gets the kids in the divorce.
Edward Scissorhands: *nodding*
Kim Paperhands: No.
1st day of hunting season:
*puts on camo*
*climbs up in tree stand*
*waits w/binoculars to see one hunter accidentally shoot another hunter*
I love it when all my iPhone apps tremble in fear when I’m about to delete one of them. Makes me feel like God.
Happy 10th birthday to your dating profile pic.
They say the best part of having sex with a mom are the snacks after, but you have to earn that. If the sex is mediocre you’re getting a glass of water and a little box of raisins.
Dog Park
Kid: What’s his name?
Me: Dorito. He’s a therapy taco. Don’t pet him.
Kid:*Throws Ball*
Taco:*Chases it. Lettuce flies everywhere*
born to say “are you f*****g stupid” forced to say “wow i’ve never thought about it like that before”
Save time sledding with kids by just throwing away one mitten before you even leave the house
“Please don’t do this,” I beg, as the hairdresser tries to start up another conversation.
When I walk through automatic doors sometimes I think I’m controlling them with my mind, that’s normal right?
*proposes to girlfriend, accidentally dropping the ring in the ocean*
“I’ll still marry you”
No. I’m married to the sea now
*dives in*
[funeral]
ME: [giving eulogy] we lost a man, but we gained a corpse
I couldn’t help but wonder … is Russia trying to help everyone but me?
Teacher: did you cheat on your math test?
Me: [remembering having sex with a history exam] umm no way
Maybe we should put monkeys in charge for a while just to see how it goes.
Who wore it best? #Oscars2015
i eat one snickers a day to build up immunity in case someone tried to kill me with snickers
[holding a playstation controller while i watch Friends and pretending i’m controlling chandler]
trying to carry a pet to bed is like moving a dense liquid that’s annoyed by you
MY NECK, MY BACK, A STRANGER TOOK MY CAT
Actual warning I saw in a pamphlet:
“You may be at risk for throat cancer if you have a throat or mouth.”
Oh shit….
Therapist: do you think your phone is making you a less engaged parent?
Me: yes
Therapist: then maybe-
Me: *looking up from phone* wait no
It’s not a dog if it fits in your handbag.
I am astonishingly jubilant that I ultimately uncovered my mislaid thesaurus.