“Just the tip,” I whisper seductively to the pizza delivery guy, hoping he fulfills my fantasy of not charging me for the pizza.
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Billy Ocean’s “Get Outta My Dreams” is my favorite song about simultaneous eviction & abduction.
smartest karate player in the world
*reading the nutrition facts of a cookie*
me: so I’ll need to eat at least 83 of these to get 100% of my daily protein
A word of caution from someone who took two (2) of his kids to their initial orthodontist appointments today: Before you decide that you can afford to have children, remember that children have teeth.
[alarm clock goes off]
ok it’s happening again
it’s a day and it’s here again
*googling*
day again why
how to unsubscribe days
I don’t want to do exercise, but I want to have done exercise.
me: “i have designed the world’s first electric car specifically for owls”
reporter: “owls? is it popular?”
me: “it’s turning heads”
I consider page 2 of google results the dark web.
[blood donor clinic]
dracula: can i order a pint please?
Me: ugh I HATE meeting new people
Midwife: Support his head
DOCTOR: You need to excercise portion control.
ME: Thank God. For a second I thought you said I needed to exercise.
I am dressed in all grey and a man also dressed in all grey just stared at me and for a second I got very nervous that he thought I was him
Our 10 year old keeps asking me for his first mobile phone and every time he does I ask him ‘who you gonna call?’ and until he answers me correctly he sure as shit isn’t getting one
You’d seriously think I was wanted for murder by the way I react when someone knocks on the door…
Rock bottom implies the existence of paper bottom and scissors bottom.
[first date with a skeleton]
ME: So um… have you always been a skeleton?
HER: No, in high school I was a-
ME: Wait, no-
HER: Skeleteen.
Hypnotist: Look deep into my eyes
Optometrist: I am please stop talking
I made £40,000 in one day using a simple trick. Send me £2,000 and I’ll tell you how I did it
coworker: those are some crazy socks
me: well I guess th-
socks: THE GOVERNMENT RECORDS ALL OF OUR PHONE CALLS & IS HIDING UFO EVIDENCE
Family dinner. I was halfway through my 2nd egg roll before I realized everyone else at the table had been praying for the last 7 minutes.
Odds I accidentally turn off a room’s lights when controlling house lights from my phone:
Any room my wife is not in – 1%
Any room my wife is in – 92%
Harry Styles sounds like a made-up name that Big Foot would use to sneak into a fashion show.
Missing someone is tough but you move on eventually & I’m no longer allowed to chaperone field trips.
Meeting my friend’s new kid is always awkward. I mean, do I let them smell my hand before I pet it or just go right in?
“Thanks for the homemade wine. If going blind had a flavour, this would be it.”
* why I’m not allowed to write thank you cards anymore.
Guys love being called “daddy” until the pregnancy test comes back positive!! 😆😆
I bought a high-tech mop and I’m very excited about it. Not so excited that I’m going to throw up, but it wouldn’t be a problem if I did.
All I’m saying is if you don’t want me to walk into the women’s restroom put words not pictures on the doors…
I was so depressed dat my ATM displayed someone else’s balance to cheer me up
[Cannibal Restaurant]
Waiter: Need anything else?
Cannibal: No, I’m stuffed. I can’t even finish this. Could I get a body bag?