My pappy died in the sea. Not even his old chum could save him. In fact, that’s exactly what brought the sharks in the first place
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People would probably like hospitals better if they had water slides & the nurses were strippers
Me before a guy comes over: I have to clean my entire home. Every room must be immaculate. Even the rooms we are unlikely to occupy need to be spotless
Guy: if I see so much as a speck of dust I will not have sex with this person
I tried that whole “if you love something, set it free” thing but my kids are still here.
[interview]
Boss: Your CV says eggs, milk, bread
Me: That’s right
[cut to supermarket]
Wife: Excuse me, where are the attention to details?
Make sure you tip your exorcist or else you can get repossessed.
not hearing back from people right away:
2002 – (two days later) They’re probably busy or out of town. I’ll catch up with them later.
2022 – (ten minutes later) ok clearly we are in a fight I didn’t know about
[hosting a party]
Me: *gesturing* Please place your styrofoam dishes here for recycling when you’re finished.
Guest: But that’s the sink. Are you gonna wash them? *laughs*
Me: Do I come to your house and tell you how to recycle, Jan?
Want to get noticed? Go jogging without moving your arms.
i made cheesy potato soup & my 5-year-old walked into the kitchen and told me it “stinks like a raccoon”
guys what if I accidentally brought home the wrong baby from the hospital because I don’t know if this one is mine
“What?”
– Jude
Rewatched Nightmare on Elm Street and was reminded that when I was 8 I was so terrified of Freddy, Jason and Chucky that at night I would pray to them (not God) that if they spared me I’d become their Renfield and offered up my mean bus driver in exchange. We all did this, right?
I’d grill your cheese.
~me, flirting
Instead of looking for things that divide you look for things that bring you together, like the way you all look for things that divide you.
Picture someone you think is kinda/sorta attractive.
Now picture them holding a pizza box.
Gmail is down. My wife is running around screaming. The toddler just cursed at Grandma. Grandma spat at the toddler. The dog is dancing to Slipknot. The freezer is burning. The floor is lava
*sees a racoon in the neighbor’s trash*
I won’t say anything if you don’t.
*continues rummaging*
It’s such bullshit when someone tweets something and gets like 50 stars and RTs then I tweet the exact same thing verbatim and get no love.
Hearing a toddler say “uh oh” from a different room: cheaper than joining a gym and just as effective a workout
I’m not saying four kids is too many, I’m just saying it would be kind of cool if I could melt them all down to form one kid, that’s all.
Sister: You need more friends
Me: *phone vibrates* I have plenty of friends. In fact one just texted me
Text: Carol has put your pizza in the oven
Me: Haha that is classic Carol
eating all the chips in my house so that I won’t be tempted to eat all the chips
DUI checkpoint cop: sir, have u been drinking tonight
me: define sir
My wife asked me why I was speaking so softly at home.
I told her I was afraid Mark Zuckerberg was listening!
She laughed. I laughed.
Alexa laughed. Siri laughed.
My dog asked what it was like to be human, so I told him that talking was a good start.
I took up MMA to see what I’m made of.
It’s blood…I’m made of blood.
My kid: It’s not fair. You get to do whatever you want.
Me, who just finished scrubbing the dog’s vomit off the carpet and is now cooking dinner for the family:
I’m Agnostic, which means I’m an Atheist with commitment issues.
Nothing can destroy your good opinion of a company quicker than working for them.
Idea for dieting: Fridges with mirrors.
For someone so concerned with marriage licenses, God sure was focused on dinosaurs for 180 million years.