The best part about my sex life is all the free time it affords me.
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I’m afraid my neighbors are starting to notice that I can’t tell them apart but greet each of their dogs by name.
Things toddlers have in common with raccoons:
– make messes they have no intention of cleaning up
– won’t share
– don’t like baths
– bitey
[crime scene]
*detective snaps pics of murder victim*
Corpse: delete it
told my kid to sign my boyfriend’s birthday card
Eminem walks into a bar.
Bartender: You only get one shot.
Welcome to Insomnia Club. God dammit Bob. BOB. Steve wake Bob up. Steve?
*Computer crashes, I reboot it*
Computer: Windows was not shut down properly.
Me: Don’t put this on me, man.
*gets hit by car
**back cracks
Me: Thank you!
dating my last boyfriend was like being on the bachelor but not knowing I was on the bachelor
What do best men at weddings in France do?
Making French toasts!
#FrenchToastDay #MondayMorning #RubbishJokes
Canada has Nova Scotia but won’t tell us what happened to Scotia. What are they hiding?
This old rich guy pointed to a jungle and said I had 20 minutes before he started hunting me. He seems pretty mad that I’m just standing here tweeting.
Could be worse. Someone could be trying to tell you that everything happens for a reason.
me: *offering joint* wanna hit
giraffe:
me: nvm ur already high lol
[later]
scientist: first time we’ve seen a giraffe eat a human
I like to hang out with people way out of my league so no one catches feelings.
mcdonalds: may I take your order
cronus: I’ll have the kids meal
Saw a guy with flames tattooed all over his face. I hope someday he finds a girl who has marshmallows tattooed all over hers.
I’m looking at two autographs of Mickey Mouse and I’m pretty sure one of them is a forgery.
*picks up the bagel again*
sorry i gotta take this one
*leaves office & talks on the bagel for 15 minutes solid*
Make allergy season more exciting by snorting confetti so that every time you sneeze it’s like a little party on your face.
Your eyes may say yes, but your eyebrows are screaming “I will boil your bunny the minute you ignore me!”
I cleaned out my junk drawer and now I have 2 junk drawers.
Ever had sex so bad you felt like calling a manager to complain?
Kylie Jenner is having a Handmaids Tale themed birthday party and Justin Bieber wants to fight Tom Cruise and boy howdy is that meteor late
some cats are just doing for fun!
i’ll tell you this, anyone who breaks into my house is gonna find out why you don’t mess with a guy who collects sparklers
I’ve opened a can of worms. They just sit there, the worms. Hardly the chaos that’s been advertised.
[pulling my wife out of the sewer]
her: this is why you have to put the toilet seat down
Me: ” I’m gonna wrap my bear legs around your head”
Him: ” You mean bare?”
*Me looking at my untouched razor*
“Nope”
Lord, give me the confidence and attitude of my toddler at dance class. Amen