I can’t stop watching this.
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Dad’s jean shorts in the 80’s were one move away from being the Basic Instinct scene
Wife: He’s always lying about his celebrity connections..
Therapist: Is this true?
Me: Just wait til Sonic The Hedgehog hears this bullshit.
Shout out to the top 5 suits in the world, 3-piece, zoot, swim, law and birthday.
Her: Look…I asked you to fix this damn cabinet 3 years ago.
Me: For the record…you did preface it with “When you get a chance…”
Lil Wayne once said “got ten bathrooms, I could shit all day” which I’ve proven can be done with just one bathroom.
No, give me the blue mittens for shoveling. The red ones are for scandal.
Febreze commercial:
“Now we remove her blindfold and…”*has panic attack, stabs camera man, vomits, jumps out closed window*
Anyone want to go on a date with me tomorrow? It’s a house chores date. You come over and help clean the house, gutters included, fix a few things. Car needs detailed too. Then when we’re done you can just ghost me
Get your employees to work harder by “accidentally” leaving articles on the printer about reducing staff.
me: goth goose. gothic goose. goosic. no wait… gooth
teacher: it’s already called a vulture
I was supposed to be taller, but I made it up with width for the sake of Geometry.
When he says he likes your personality but he hasn’t met them all.
Me to my kids: don’t ever lie
Me serving any kind of meat: it’s chicken
When the @funTweeters account RTs my tweet.
If you ever need to find evidence to prove someone’s guilt or innocence, always check the pudding first.
sandra bullock is a menace oh my god 😭
We need a new term for “avoid it like the plague” because apparently people don’t do that
This Uber driver is the worst. I can’t roll down the windows, he keeps asking questions, the doors won’t open, and now his siren is blaring.
Me; Right, some revision?
Son: K
Me: Start with chemistry?
Him: K
Me: Periodic table?
Him: K
Me:What’s the symbol for potassium?
Him: Dunno
My family: u about to go to work???
Me in my work clothes:
Oh, hey guys how were the bars tonight? That’s cool. In case you were wondering all of the Harry Potter movies are still really good.
At bath time, my 4-year-old asked if he could use “the other bath.” We only have one, so, filled with curiosity, I grabbed his little hand and asked him to show me. Kid led me to the dishwasher.
Link: [plays ‘Song of Time’]
Zelda: No no that’s all wrong! There’s no E in that melody.
Link: [plays ‘Song of Tim’]
My kid, describing the size of the raindrop that “hurt” his face
[First ever Snail Olympics that started 350 million years ago]
Millennial snail announcer: oh shit here they come
wile e. coyote running off a cliff and not falling until he looks down except it’s me stopping for a second mid-sentence to think about what i’m saying
I’m going commando for Valentines day. He’s going to be so surprised when I parachute into his yard and blow up his house.
If I don’t make this right hand turn going exactly 3 mph, the entire universe will explode & everyone will die.
– the lady in front of me
Every husband sings this song 😂🤣😂 🤣😂🤣
The ending is priceless 😆😆😆
Video Credit: Jason Chen Music