Soccer moms drinking from sports bottles. You’re not fooling anyone, we know you have wine in there and you should share.
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I want to surprise my boyfriend by sending him a sexy pic while he’s at work, but I can’t decide what outfit to put on the cat.
*seductively boils hot dog* *suggestively unscrews ketchup bottle* *alluringly toasts bun* *erotically describes this in between asterisks*
If I could sing like Janis Joplin I’d be able to sing my children a lullaby before bed and yell at them to go to bed at the same time.
this morning i found a spider trapped in its own web and i was like, dude, same
Another great day of being Everyone’s Personal Assistant. Today I helped a young man in his search for love ❤️👍
No one said your ‘cheat day’ had to be an Earth day. I use Mercury, it has a 1,408 hr day
The Office: Coronavirus
Michael ignores the “work from home” memo because he thinks that everyone should be together at a time like this
Dwight acts completely normal & claims genetic immunity
Angela wears a hazmat suit
Kevin says that he’s had it for weeks & feels fine
Everyone else: hold my beer
Me: *chugs beer* alright, let’s do this shit
Hairstylist: so one of your sisters knows how to knit, crochet, and sew and the other one is an amazing cook/baker. What do you know how to do?
Me: Buy stuff
Nothing quite as humiliating as somebody slow-rolling past your garage sale and not stopping, like “I’m not above buying another person’s junk but just not yours.”
Every classic folk song is just dubstep turned inward
[first day as a police sketch artist]
Victim: Why is there a meerkat in the picture?
Me: I used to do this at the zoo
I got drunk and went to an AAA meeting. It didn’t help. There were just a bunch of sober people talking about roadside maintenance.
Don’t wait until the last minute to procrastinate. Start procrastinating today!
Hilarious when peoples outgoing voicemail message says they “can’t make it to the phone right now.” You carry the phone with you. It’s the only constant in your life
Owls are just nocturnal pug birds
My neighbor’s wife put him on a diet so I’m slingshotting pretzel balls over the fence like a true bro
My trainer told me to get on all fours and I got excited until she said now do tricep extensions.
My inflatable house got a puncture
last night.Now I’m living in a flat.
🙂🙃🥹
I should do laundry naked so all my clothes could be clean at the same time.
10: Mom, I need to tell you a secret. Dad thought he was eating white chocolate, but it was a piece of your vanilla scented candle and he liked it. Don’t tell anyone, ok?
Me: Oh, don’t worry…
a ‘suggested’ serving size of chips seems to have been calculated by someone who has never eaten a chip
I can’t be a sellout. I have no idea what anyone wants.
Why, yes, I am dressed for the weather.
I am wearing a house.
If I ever go to prison,
I’m gonna make damn sure everyone knows my street name: Butthole Teeth.
7-year-old: *using her tablet*
Me: You’re not doing your homework.
7: How did you know?
Me: You haven’t complained all morning.
I had my leg X-rayed today.
The doctor said: ‘Your patella measures 2.54cm’.
I said: ‘Inch-high knees?’
He said: ‘您的髌骨是2.54厘米高.’
I did the DNA test 23 and me. I’m 85% Hagen Dazs and only 15% Reeses! This test is bullshit!
Just because I know that I can fit 150 snakes in my bathtub doesn’t mean I have a plan