My kid always taking off her shoes like she got abducted mid-step
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White Walkers need coffee too #WinterIsHere
I’ve been trying to open this grocery store produce bag for thirteen years.
Tell my story.
This is why science literacy is so important, kids.
My muffin top has become a full blown birthday cake.
“Just dashing to the shops”
Woman [showers, washes hair, styles hair, puts on make up, chooses outfit, irons clothes]
Man [grabs car keys]
i’m awake! please respect my privacy during this very difficult time
doing some research
DTF (Down time finally)
-mom’s everywhere
You’re 25, please stop saying back in the day.
Pilots just fly straight into them clouds init, they don’t even know what’s in them. Could be bricks
If YouTube ever goes down nobody will ever figure out how to tie a tie again.
Some of you should be ashamed of yourselves. You know who you are. I probably should be too, but this isn’t about me.
Me: *turns on game
Wife: *turns on vacuum
Me: *turns volume to max
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Wife: *runs vacuum slowly in front of television
Top names for pet grasshopper:
• Jerry Springer
• hoptimus prime
• Legatron
• Jumpford & sons
• meredith
• billy BOIIIING thorton
• beyouncé
I love meeting people whose three kids’ names are gibberish but whose dog is named Steve.
One time an intruder broke into my house and got scared off by the old high school wrestling trophies I still have on display.
[Pompeii 79 AD]
me: wow can’t believe I’m finally a homeowner. Nothing could ruin this day.
Him: can we just go back to how it used to be?
Her: awww. Like the day we met?
Him: No, before that.
Some cultures fear that when someone takes your photograph they steal your soul.
You should be fine, though.
I hate when I’m hanging up my clothes and I find an unused treadmill from 1981.
i’m an idiot but secretly a genius but even more secretly than that, i’m an idiot
Quit smoking.
Quit playing loud music.
Quit trying to makeout with me while I’m driving.– things my BF and Uber driver say to me
Her: What’s with the microscope?
Me: Looking for my comfort zone.
When two girls hate each other, they say “we should DEFINITELY hang out” and then take turns shouting “definitely!” until one of them dies.
I wonder what the part of my brain that used to remember phone numbers is up to these days.
RIDDLER: What belongs to you, but others use it more than you do?
ME: Every piece of kitchenware I own?
RIDDLER: Well, no, but
Your honor these allegations are
What’s the sleaziest way of fitting four multiple choice options into one?
A) Be Seedy
Living check to check is fine til you go from “Think I’ll treat myself to a $7 latte” to “Which kid do I sell to pay for these car repairs.”
Sometimes I lie and tell my husband I spent $300 at Costco so he’ll stop talking to me.