IDEAL UBER DRIVER:
-Clean car
-Doesn’t talk to me during drive
-Plays good music
-When he drops me off tells me he’s my father who left when I was 4 & has secretly followed my life and has always been proud of me
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[checking into a hotel]
Front desk employee: Thank you ma’am, we’ll make up a room for you right away
Me: aren’t… aren’t there real rooms here
Use cauliflower as a substitute for mashed potatoes, rice, and any joy in your life. You have no friends now, there is only cauliflower.
[the long awkward silence between me and my date is suddenly broken by the sound of toast popping out the toaster]
me: “dinner is served”
Windows: Would like to…
⚪️ Restart
⚪️ Update and restartMe: I’d like to restart
Windows:
If the hand soap isn’t for drinking why do they put a straw in the bottle?
Don’t let that “Metalica” t-shirt fool you. She knows every word to Miley Cyrus’ “Wrecking Ball”
“Because of the number of nerve endings, a hangnail is among the most painful things a human can experience.” but the nurse completely ignored me and rudely continued telling my wife to push through the contractions.
If you’re worried that technology will take over remember humans develop technology & we’re surprised how hot it is in the summer. Always.
My oldest made us all breakfast this morning, then got mad when his little brother didn’t finish the meal he had worked so hard to create.
I think I’m on to something here…
[ER]
Me: I CANT FEEL MY LEGS AM I DYING DOC?
Dr: *loosens my belt*unbuttons my pants*
Me: is this appropriate? *blood returns to legs* oh.
A few people have written me happy birthday without any exclamation points. It’s like they don’t even care.
You never realize how many people you just don’t like until you try to name a baby
My God! Have you seen the cost of funerals? No wonder people are living longer
Only 10 more days til Halloween!
What’s upsetting about hearing my neighbor have sex is realizing she can hear me ask my dog if we’re best friends multiple times a day
Kylo Ren: *high pitched voice* I love you Kylo Ren. You’re the best dark Jedi ever
General Hux: *walks in* Stop playing with Vader’s helmet
if I wasn’t supposed to grow up to want a sugar daddy why did we base an entire holiday around a much older man bringing me presents for being a good girl
Cheese makes everything better…
*sprinkles parmesan on broken leg*
It’s hard for me to believe that the new Star Wars trailer has already been seen millions of times. How do they even know where it’s parked?
I hate handshakes. The bones really mess up the blender and the knuckles are hard to swallow.
My class starting to design and build their leprechaun traps:
6yo boy: I don’t want to build a trap.
Me: Why not?
6: Gold coins are too heavy. I’ll just buy a lottery ticket.
I don’t always forget there’s new glass doors At work but when I do I make sure to walk into them face first In front of my coworkers.
I stopped writing poetry when I realized their only value was to threaten to read them to people if they didn’t do what I wanted.
Maybe I misheard him…
But I think God just told me to start building a really big goat.
If you want to go on a wild adventure then just let your kid make up the rules for a board game
Turtleneck pro: if you wear one while you’re eating you can’t get crumbs in your bra.
Turtleneck con: see above.
My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days.
I said it must be my weekend immune system.
My son is smart enough to hatch an elaborate plot to get out of going to daycare, but dumb enough to share his scheme with me in exhaustive detail. God bless toddlers.
I offered to split the check but my date insisted we go old fashion and fight to the death.
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: *rubbing bridge of nose* Says here you bought 1000 bouncy castles?
ME: *lips on mic* For my kingdom, Your Honor