[watching The Brady Bunch before kids] Why would a stay-at-home mom need a live-in maid?
[after kids] Holy crap I need three live-in maids.
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“I can’t wait to feel you between my thighs tonight,” I say to my new memory foam pillow, which has been helping realign my spine while granting remarkable relief from lower back pain.
some inanimate objects that are secretly plotting against you
We’ve run out of coffee so my girlfriend pressured me into knocking next door. So I knocked and awkwardly asked them to go to the shops.
knights of the ikea table
Sweet Revenge 😂😂😂
#archaeohistories
I’ve been yelling for years.
Now I’m convinced.
I’m definitely the only one here playing Marco Polo.
I can’t decide if it’s amazing or terrifying that my two oldest children managed to stop arguing long enough to come up with a secret handshake.
I didn’t choose this melted cheese and tortilla chip life, it na-chose me
time machine? you mean a clock?
No toddler in the world would ever pass a field sobriety test
ME: Is this Babies R Us
CASHIER: Yes
ME: No babies work here
C: I know
ME: It should be called Babies Were US
C: …
ME: Get me your manager
I’m scared. I have this weird stabby pain in my chest and it really hurts and..Dorito. It was a Dorito in my bra.
I cleaned the door glass and one of the dogs is barking at his reflection. That tells you how filthy the windows were.
OH. COME. ON.
instead of eating lunch I just ate a bunch of olives so ….. yet again …..
Not surprised to find out I’ve lost my job at the graffiti removal company. The writing’s been on the wall for a while now.
My brain doesn’t sea typos until I’ve already hit send.
I love lifting but it’s so embarrassing that I’ve become a gym bro like, my parents told me I’m gonna hurt myself lifting and drinking preworkout and I was like “well I’d rather die as a lion than live as a sheep.” Wtf? I need to shut up like who do I think I am
*performs interpretive dance at your psych evaluation
the mother-in-law left yesterday.
this month has been the longest two years of my life.
Picked my son up after his second day of kindergarten computer class. He said he just watched Wild Kratts because he learned everything about computers in the first class. “I’m an expert. I can do your job now,” he said. To his credit, that was Monday & my boss hasn’t noticed.
Never understood why ghosts haunt old, dusty houses. If I was a ghost I’d haunt Hawaii or Bali
*Hits Rock Bottom*
Dwayne Johnson: I have a boyfriend.
I’d prob date Pete Davidson too if Instagram showed me a targeted ad for him more than 3x
Our friend in New Zealand wished my 8yo a happy birthday the night before her birthday. I tried explaining time zones to her but all she heard is Liz is from the future.
(Date)
Me: Sorry I have terrible anxiety and get picnic attacks.Her: You mean panic attacks?
Me: *pulling basket out* Oh god make it stop
Can we get Downton Abbey-style series about the Hogwarts janitors and kitchen staff?
[calling my ex]
me: hey so I really hate how I left things with you
her: aww me too babe
me: so… yeah… can I come pick them up?
We have also removed your mother’s number from contacts because obviously you’re too busy to call her.
Me: goodnight moon
Moon: It’s 6pm
Me: I know but I’m tired
Moon: I literally just got here