The most unbelievable thing on TV is when a killer is in the house and someone hides in empty space under the bed. You mean to tell me you’re not keeping 6 storage bins, three rolls of Christmas wrapping paper, and a box of old papers under there
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this could fix me
WIFE: you forgot to run the dishwasher again, didn’t you?
ME: [drinking milk from a flower vase] no, why?
How to make your house look like a trash can in one easy step:
1. Hand 3yo a muffin on your way to the bathroom.
I know this now.
Shapewear for women, but it’s a system of pulleys and levers so you can morph into different configurations, like “sexy Chrysler Building” or “new condos going up”
*running from cops*
Me: hey wait hold up if we’re gonna do this i really should be wearing my fitbit
Cop: yeah me too good idea
Bringing a carrot-and-raisin salad to a potluck is a subtle way to let people know you hate them.
Murder of crows on trial according to the probable caws statement.
The second date went downhill fast when I showed up with a scrapbook of our first date.
why do guys only hit me up at 11pm? I’m still hot at 4pm you idiots (and probably more awake)
Area Man Already Knows Which Chicken Tender He’s Saving For Last
My boss: make sure you clear out your emails before going on vacation.
Me: *select all, delete*
My brother just sent me his Christmas wishlist, there’s a ham on it, only a ham.
I wonder why nobody told Forrest Gump’s mom that all you have to do is flip over the box of chocolates and it tells you what’s inside.
“Mom, I’m in Season 3 of The Leftovers! It will be the fifth episode.”
“David, I’m so proud of you! What’s the role?”
*David hangs up*
My dad is at it again
“Have you tried… not thinking about skeletons?” my therapist asks.
I look at her.
I look at the skeleton inside her trying to trick me.
Me: I need to get my shit together
My shit: not today, girl, not today
I’d use my best pan on you.
Psychologist : What is troubling you.?
Me : Well, doc, I think I can see into the future.
Psychologist : Into the future? When did this start?
Me : Next Monday.
French guy (showing me his yachts): This is Un. This is Deux. This is Trois. This is Quatre. This is Six.
Me: Where’s the 5th?
FG: Cinq.
Today’s Generation: “Omg my parents never let me have anything.” via iPhone.
When I was little I would sit with my grampy and we would look out the window together. He would give me sips of his beer and sugar cubes.
Related: I’m now an alcoholic race horse.
How to get a guys attention:
1. Take off your shirt
2. Be a TV
Alexa, show me where it all went wrong.
Someone said that my kid would probably grow up to be president, and I’m not sure if it was meant as a compliment or an insult.
actually this email could’ve been a meeting. we could’ve spent an hour on the clock talking shit and gossiping. someone could’ve brought bagels
Me to my dog: Stop barking now.
My dog: BUT EVERYTHING IS A FOX!
Me: It’s ok.
Dog: I WILL PROTECT YOU, IDIOT!
When your wife asks if men think about sex every 7 seconds the correct answer is “I think of you all the time dear” & not “Sex with who?”.
I try to avoid things that make me fat, like scales, mirrors, and photographs.
If you want your uninvited guests to leave, seat them comfortably in the basement, then go upstairs and watch TV.