Step 1: Go for a meal with your friends
Step 2: All place your phones on the table
Step 3: Whoever looks at their phone first pays
Step 4: Shout “SIRI CALL MOM”
Step 5: Never pay for food again
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MEDICAL EXAMINER: According to the autopsy, the victim did not actually know karate
MY GHOST: noooooooo
Morgan Freeman: Get busy living or get busy dying
Me: Hell yeah![After spending a week with me]
Morgan Freeman: Which….which one are you doing?
bears
House is a mess … Walked in the other day and there were 2 people on the couch blindfolded and filming a Fabreeze commercial
OMG, just found my childhood diary! I was an adorable and strangely prescient little boy.
January 2020: New year, new me.
May 2020: *primal scream*
When I’m mad at my husband, I ask him to help me find my phone and then put it in my pocket on silent.
So 10’s school is having PJ day tomorrow and asked the parents who drop off to wear theirs too..
Should I tell them I sleep in the nude or just show up?
Sorry I got confused & grabbed your fist bump like a doorknob.
My daughter is so critical…
“Another cup of coffee?”
“That’s a lot of salt.”
“Your pants are on inside out. Again.”
Me: honey, want anything from the grocery store
Him: I feel like grapes but I don’t really like grapes
Me: say no more
I’m rearranging the neighbors’ Halloween decorations a little each night until they’re circling their front doors. Scaring is caring.
Me: *stubs toe*
My voodoo doll: “Ouch! Jeez can’t that idiot get ANYTHING right?!”
I have decided to take a martial arts class to deal with the mall’s aggressive kiosk people.
I tried home schooling for years, but my house still can’t read.
Who called it raising pigs for meat and not Mama, just killed a ham?
[Meeting]
CEO: as u can see [points to graph w laser] we-
BUSINESS CAT:[comes flying across table & just crashes right into a photocopier]
Has anyone mastered the art of nonchalantly walking past a policeman?
Why am I getting ads for things that cost $495? I have never bought anything ever that costs $495
Some people wake up in the morning & are all like “omg I’m the luckiest person in the world” and I wake up all like “oh my god”
I don’t know about a butterfly affecting weather in China, but I do know that the violent draft of wind from my eyelids opening seems to wake both babies every morning
Watch The Walking Dead with someone who’s super into it so every time a zombie appears you can pull the old, “Wait, who’s this now?”
I would never let MY child act like that.
-things my friends without kids say.
Me: Sleeps three hours.
Brain: That’ll do.
Her: What are you wearing for New Year’s Eve?
Me: My nicest robe and whatever booze doesn’t make it into my mouth.
When she says she prefers the strong, silent type she means her vibrator.
Friends come and friends go.
Just make sure to hang on to the ones that think you are funny.
And the ones that bring beer.
Wife: you can trust me
Me: last week you told me I’d look good with a ponytail
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you can usually trust me
1) In the interest of time, would ye noble patriots please provide a list of infractions punishable by spontaneous public execution? Thanks!