Your name is Jeff with a G? Jeffg? Ok
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That guy who ran through the White House could go to prison for ten years, so there’s another reason I don’t run.
I think I finally found your G-Spot. It’s been in my wallet the whole time.
Call me when they release “Barbie vs. Godzilla.”
Your password doesn’t remember you either. He moved on. He’s someone else’s password now.
I may not be the hottest woman on Earth but I like my chances up against anyone currently aboard the International Space Station
Never realized how out of shape I was until I started sweating after using scissors for 30 seconds.
[phone makes noise]
[gets giddy about how popular I’m about to feel]Oh. It’s an email about car insurance.
[quietly dies a little inside]
[In bed with gf]
“Do you have any fantasies?”
Yeah, one. You know your friend Sarah, the hot one?
“Yes.. why?”
I want to hit her with my car
Job Posting: local pond looking to hire tadpole, must have previous experience as frog
LITTLE RED RIDING HOOD: grandma what big eyes you have
WOLF: u really think I look like ur grandma? I should eat u just for that u dumb shit
I’m tired of commercials trying to be funny. Scare me into buying something. I want to be terrified of buying the wrong toothpaste.
Movie Executive: We love the script but what are we gonna call it?
Writer: *monkey in disguise* Monkey
Exec: I dont think that works
Writer: Se-seven Monkeys
Exec: The number of monkeys isn’t really the prob-
Writer: TWELVE monkeys
Exec: Now.. hold on a second.
One beautiful tradition in my mother’s culture is that if someone is sick,
the neighbours won’t hesitate to bring over food and help with errands,
but I can’t help but wonder when they will start getting suspicious over the fact that we’ve had the flu for 7 months now…
My favorite genre of tweet is “person born after I graduated college feels old”
Someone want to tell my kids that the color of the bowl has NO EFFECT ON THE FLAVOR OF THE FOOD!!
I talk like a sailor in front of my kid. He’s gonna swear anyway and I want him to be good at it.
Today I broke up a fight my kids had over whose popsicle was colder. Don’t tell me being a mom isn’t cool.
There is no such thing as a “silly goose.” Any goose displaying anything but pure malice is trying to lull you into a false sense of security.
*the force awakens*
*the dark knight rises*
*they make eye with eachother adn realize they were sleepig in the same bed*
AHHHHHHHHHHHH
No one told me my life would become so much googling it
Why is being alive so expensive? I’m not even having a good time.
20% of being the BBC Wimbledon presenter is telling people what other telly programmes have been cancelled.
Your honor? My client would like to address the court and ruin everything.
Taken 5: has anyone seen my doggie?
me: before you hire me, you should know i take things
interviewer: like what?
me: time and care
interviewer: oh haha
me: also xanax, company money, and two-hour morning shits
I was best man at my friend’s 2nd wedding. I started my speech with “welcome back everyone” he was not happy #weddingfail
I’d like to announce that in 2020 I’ll be running for John Mayer.
Just gonna catch up and tackle him.
Scurrying around in your socks, holding your beltless trousers up: airport security is like a weird, brief slumber party in the middle of the day with a bunch of strangers.
Relationship status:
I’ve put my ear hair in braids.
Get at me.
Me: *throws out a manual that’s been sitting in a drawer for 10 years*
(The next day)
Husband: Have you seen the manual for-