“It doesn’t matter what you look like on the outside”
ME: Oh thank god
“It’s who you are on the inside”
ME: Dang
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Remember four years ago when we were all ‘nature is healing’ and then my grandma got mugged by a swan.
Odd that the silent way to alert performers they should quickly end their act is a gesture to slice your own throat.
After years of experiments, I have concluded that lighting a stranger’s cigarette is the only time you can flirt with someone by setting fire to one of their possessions.
OMG my brother in law, the gift that never stops giving, was tired of being sent to get rice every day so he decided buy in bulk, talked to the shop about it, wires got crossed, now there is a literal TRUCK FILLED WITH RICE outside the house and my sister is losing her shit lmfao
Not to brag but my boss gave me a certificate of achievement and he said it’s much more prestigious than a pay raise.
Level of drunkenness: fed the ATM pizza.
Of course I care about the environment. I spray air freshener every time I leave the restroom don’t I?
Drugs CAN make your life
miserable but if you wanna
leave no room for error,
try a Marriage Certificate.
Me: [frog emoji]
Him: [turtle]
Me: [monkey]
Him: [pig]
Me: ARE YOU CALLING ME FAT?
Him: What? No! Here [dog]
Me: GREAT SO NOW I’M A BITCH?
VILLAIN: *Stroking cat* I’ve been expec-
BOND: OMG your kitty is so cute! Can I pet him?!
V:*Whining* Tiiim, you said this was intimidating!
May just keep repeating the phrase “YOU DO YOU” to my coworkers until one of them sucker punches me.
2020: Your package is on the way. It will arrive between Monday and Thursday of 2021.
Best thing about drinking in downtown LA is that if u need a bathroom, it’s all around you
A roomba that swears every time it hits something.
*Prosecution lawyer paints white stripe on otter*
DEFENCE LAWYER: Objection, Your Honour. He’s clearly badgering the witness.
“Don’t you dare. Don’t you lick it. Don’t! Do not lick the butter,” I yell threateningly at the cat.
The most romantic movie of all time is definitely Pixar’s UP. That old man really loved his house.
The whole “bad boy” thing is fun until you have kids with him. Ooh you drank away the diaper money? That’s soooo hot
the most impressive scene in any spy movie is in Casino Royale when james bond is in a hotel shower and knows immediately how to use it.
Please don’t put a coin on my mouth when I die; I plan to wander the shores of the River Styx for 100 years & finally get that bikini body.
My Dr. told me about a new med he wanted me to try and offered that there are some sexual side effects to which I replied “yeah I don’t do that!” instead of nodding quietly like a normal human.
To be honest, given a few tries I think I could do brain surgery.
Trump’s gonna be sooo mad when he finds out that China realized building a Great Wall didn’t keep foreigners out 400 years before he did.
Any restaurant can be family style if the waiter criticizes your order
Husband: Why are you so grumpy?
Me: I’m not grumpy.
My face:
I’ve seen such a change in myself this past year. I’ve really grown a lot. I need bigger pants
Convince people you’re an international spy or drug dealer by snapping your phone in half after finishing a call
This house is Not going to clean itself. Apparently, I’m not either.
Just ate potatoes so good I finally understand the centuries of warfare between England and Ireland. The English wanted their potatoes.