First rule of brown girl club: Don’t wear pink & white striped shirts; you’ll look like Neopolitan ice cream.
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*at hostage negotiation class
Prof: Let’s go around and say why we’re here
Man: I joined the NYPD
Woman: I’m in the FBI
Me: I have a toddler
If you have streaks of purple, green or blue in your hair, I will try to eat that cotton candy off your head until you tell me to stop.
If a zombie approaches you, bop it on the nose with a rolled-up magazine and say NO.
Nothing better than corn-flavored…corn.
I’m missing the VMAs. Who’s losing? Is it music?
I’m no psychic but I can tell you that pristine white furniture set you just bought for your baby’s room ain’t gonna look like that for long.
me [holding wife’s shirt] Can this go in the dryer?
wife: What does it say on the tag?
me: “Made in Vietnam”
wife: The other tag
me: Oh
wife:
me: “Gap”
Technically, a millennial is anyone who had to learn cursive but never had to use it.
[smallpox]
Only 1890’s kids will get this
Puts all the toys my kids forgot they had in their Easter basket
Simon: I wrote a song
Garfunkel: *reads lyrics*
Garfunkel: “I am a rock. I am an island” dude I’m like right here. I thought we were friends
9am: protein shake, oatmeal
1pm: small salad, chicken breast
5pm: grilled salmon, spinach
9pm: 4 whole “i don’t give a shit anymore” pizzas
Finally got my treadmill setup. I can start making excuses why I’m not using it starting tomorrow.
mob boss: i need u take out the rat
[later]
rat: [sets napkin down] the cheese was to die for
me: yes it was
rat: what
*wife offers me a sip of her water*
m: Am I gonna catch what you have?
w: No
m:
w:
m: Are you sur-
w: You’re not going to get my period!
*puts 7 pairs of yoga pants on counter*
Cashier: planning on getting in shape I see
Me: god no, these are the only pants that fit me now
Me: I’ll definitely do it tomorrow.
Morgan Freeman: He wouldn’t.
Me: *chasing Morgan out of my house with broom* Why are you here again?
POLICE OFFICER: I won’t ticket you, but — and this is a big but…
SIR MIX-A-LOT: I like where this is going
* Kindergarten*
Hi kids! I’m the homeroom mom for your class. [writes name on chalkboard]
[Boy Raises hand]
We can’t read. No one can read
Have kids so there’s always someone around to hand you trash
If I had a dollar for every woman who called me handsome… I’d have a dollar. Thanks Grandma.
tinting my car’s windows so people outside can’t see me eating soup
An ATM has surveillance footage of me feeding it Kraft Singles, so there’s that.
[pretends to answer phone in front of date] why hello… [trying to think of someone cool] GEICO lizard
i don’t understand all these newfangled apps. like “phone”
when i was in elementary school we learned about a shape called a rhombus & that was the last time i ever heard about that shape ever again
Some days I feel like my life is going super well, & then I get my hair caught in my umbrella.
And also my car door.
I’m so hungry that I can eat a Centaur
her: wanna come over
me: can’t i’m at an office party
her: ur self-employed
me: and having a great time
Me: Bedtime in 5 minutes!
8yo: *Begins the single most complicated crafting project of her lifetime thus far*