No sense buying a memory foam mattress if you’re just going to toss and turn all night, it’ll be confused.
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ICYMI: Yesterday, MarineLand Canada sent the police to my house because I tweeted “Life is short. Steal a walrus”. Vid or it didn’t happen? Ok:
I’m Asian, but not wears a kimono, eats dogs, owns a bonsai tree, knows how to use chopsticks, waxes on waxes off, good at the math, Asian.
Thinking about setting up Costco sample stations around the house to keep the kids busy and fed
Gabriel “Really? That’s how you want humans to reproduce?”
God “Trust me. It will be hilarious.”
I’m not afraid to run into an ex here. Her tweets would be all lame like ‘my dog is cute’ and mine would be all cool like ‘I love you Susan’
The lack of proof that Robert Downey Jr is stalking me just convinces me that he is very good at it.
When someone explains why they’re late, I tell them I don’t buy it and make intense eye contact.
Spent an hour looking for my coffee cup because one of the kids PUT IT AWAY in the right place.
[getting arrested after heist]
Boss: What happened? You were supposed to be on lookout
Me: *flashback to me sending invites on outlook* you’re not gonna believe this
No one ever talks about what a flex it is when Yoda just gets tired of answering all of Luke’s questions and dies
Just realized the Master Card logo is a Venn diagram.
Sure sex is great but have you pulled a sticker off something in one go?
*watching someone make a cake*
them: and now add the mascarpone
me: ah yes, the one that hides the horses
Willy Wonka ran the original Squid Game.
Why don’t they make posters that go this hard anymore
*my casket slowly begins lowering into the ground*
me, knocking from inside: “Wait, I have to pee.”
me: Did you brush your teeth?
9: Yes
me *hands him a glass of orange juice*
9: Do I have to?
me: Yep. Told you not to touch my Cheetos
(day 2 of adulthood) well I gave it a shot
[movie casting]
ME: I’m here for the stuntman job
“Do you have any experience?”
ME: No, but I took a…
“Please don’t”
ME: …crash course
I heard many of these stories growing up…. 😂😂😂
[trick-or-treating]
Her: *crying* Mommy, she gave me an orange with a pumpkin drawn on it!
Me: Honey, hold mommy’s flask for a minute.
Scientist: Finally, my modeling algorithm ‘Predicting Cat Behavior’ is complete!
Cat: *walks across the keyboard, deleting the file*
My mom when I opened up a bag of candy in the backseat of the car.
Still waiting for the day I can illegally download groceries
People are all “Sure, I’ll help you move” until they see my prized collection of cement blocks from around the world.
Birds are fed by their parents in their infancy. When the time comes to feed themselves, there can be some confusion when the food does not go into their mouth by itself.
I might use a few or 30 filters, but have never tried to pass someone else’s photos off as me.
Even when my first avi here was a pug, I let people know that I wasn’t really a pug
“I’ll have a rum and coke”
Is pepsi ok?
“Sure whatever”
*hands you a pepsi and coke*
explaining cat scratches is like defending an abusive boyfriend to your parents “he didn’t mean it” “you guys just don’t know him like I do”
Beards are a privilege, not a right