I asked my mom what she wanted today and she said “she just wanted me to be happy,” so I’m on ecstasy petting a dolphin right now.
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Me: I’m Gen-X
Niece: *giggling* oh so you’re in the X-Men now
Me: No, it means I…
Niece: *full laughter* Captain Sweater Vest
SUN: [explodes]
ME: are you mad at me
The thing about someone cropping you out of a photo is that this person thought it’d be more off putting to be seen with you than with a dismembered arm
[first day as librarian]
guy: i’m looking for a book—
me: —YOU SIR ARE IN LUCK
I’m not drunk enough for this
*gets drunk
I’m too drunk for this
One of the kids said, “Camping looks fun,” so tonight we’re watching The Revenant.
[steps off crosstrainer]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”
Maintaining my stance that groceries are sexist until they start selling grampulated sugar
The problem with honey is that I could be in a hazmat suit watching a show about someone in Australia just looking at a jar of it and it would still wind up all over me.
We paid off the car and suddenly the bank doesn’t call or write anymore. It’s like the last 4 years meant nothing.
UPS guy just acted like he’d never seen anyone answer the door in a super hero cape & a straw farmer hat.
Detective: Where were you at 8:30 p.m. on. . .
Me: Twitter
Ed [laughing]: what do you call a fish with no eye?
Stede, without looking up: Myxine Circifrons
Ed:
Ed: fsh
ME: I love u
GF: omg
ME: and I wanna be with u always
GF: *crying*
ME: [gets down on 1 knee] will u–
GF: U ARE DISRESPECTING THE FLAG
hi, grandma? can u come pick me up from my rap battle? it’s over. no, i lost. he saw u drop me off & did a pretty devastating rhyme about it
Weird how Superman’s an alien but looks exactly like a white dude & then he landed in Kansas & not say, mainland China
I put the tomatos and the ketchup right next to each other in my refrigerator just so all the food knows I have no mercy
BISON DAD: good bye, son.
BISON SON: thank you, dad.
My flabber has been gasted.
My clothes aren’t wrinkled i have an iron deficiency.
he’s sick of your bullshit today
In 2009, Nigerian police arrested a goat on suspicion of attempted armed robbery.
Not to brag or anything, but I got the high score on my scale today.
Admit it, no one really knows how to use the memory function on a calculator. We’re all just too embarrassed to ask now.
ANIMAL CROSSING: you pull out a fish you caught two minutes ago and everyone in town applauds you.
STARDEW VALLEY: you spend 19 days growing a carrot and give it to a woman who disdainfully says, “I don’t want this” yet still takes your carrot. The carrot costs 2,000 dollars.
the best sex is the kind that keeps your neighbor up all night. that’s what my neighbors are having.
She said: “I want to have your children.”
.
Me: “They’ll be on the first bus in the morning.”
No, not sex addict, I said sex attic, you know, like a sex dungeon, but upstairs.
Crazy but true: Over 80 percent of twins seperated at birth have the same exact birthday.
due to circumstances outside of my control I ended up at an Applebees and let me say it is absolutely phenomenal to have gen z in the work force. the waitress held up a plate, wrinkled her nose, and went “I wanna say these are…ribs?”