*loses you in a crowd*
finally
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[scene of car accident]
bystander: is your baby ok
me: no he’s a complete jerk
Fact: In the 80s nobody could have sex until someone started playing a saxophone.
DOCTOR: wut brings you in today
ME: im feeling funny
*an hour later*
DOCTOR: don’t worry you aren’t
I’ve fallen in love on Twitter and I think the 7 of us will be very happy together
6: I’m hungry
Me: Well it’s almost dinner time so no snacks right now
6: If it’s almost dinner why aren’t you in the kitchen?
Husband: Oh no
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
Our parenting style can best be described as:
Bad cop,
Bozo cop
I buy my kids cereal based on which kinds my vacuum cleaner will be able to pick up best.
All those years of karate training wasted …
I’ve never once had to paint a fence or wax a car ….
In honor of Mother’s Day here’s my favorite text my mom has ever sent me
Sorry you heard me going through your medicine cabinet. I was trying to be quiet.
*sends love letter to boyfriend*
*awaits his reply by mailbox everyday*
*receives text with 👍*
*writes letter to IRS about his tax evasion*
[algebra class]
KID: This is so stupid
TEACHER: You may need it in your job
KID: What job?
TEACHER: …
KID: …
TEACHER: Algebra teacher?
given that 14 was obsessed with garbage trucks as a toddler, you’d think he’d be better about throwing away his trash (more…)
Don’t have a house cat drive you to the post office. I know that now.
developing a crush on a writer is like oh great now i got all this reading homework
When I’m bored on a plane, I pull a random machine part out of my pocket and ask the person next to me “Do you know where this came from?”
Guy – “Hey are you famous?”
Me – “No.”
Guy – “Oh you look like this comedian.”
Me – “I don’t speak English.”
Guy – “Oh! Where are you from?”
Me – “The Ukraine.”
Guy – “My father is Ukrainian.”
Me – “Oh, then I’m from Spain.”
This is like the worst pick up line I’ve ever heard in my life. Come on now guys do better. do better.
😩🤭😂🤣😂🤦🏼♀️
My daughter has a terrible mouth and I don’t know where the f*** she’s learning this sh**.
You’d better have a great day today
Don’t MAKE me have a great day FOR you 💪
Pro-tip: The best way to keep people away from you in public is to carry a clipboard. People fear the living shit out of clipboards.
Apparently 50% of people prefer pizza to sex. What is wrong with people? Have they never had pizza?
I hope this email punches you square in the face
Sometimes I buy enormous pants and take a picture of myself holding them up just to feel like I lost a ton of weight.
This sounds more like an accusation than a question.
Didn’t find out until I got to work that these exposed-shoulder tops are intended for women.
MAN: I’ll get pasta & she’ll have the salad
COW: What’s that mean?
MAN: Uh-
COW: I’m fat?
MAN: … You’re a cow?
PIG AT NEXT TABLE: Ooo