I can’t feel my face when I’m with you, but I love it.
Doctor: This is your third Botox appointment. That wasn’t even funny the first time.
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[Cop arresting a centipede]
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*opens crate of new handcuffs*
*clink*
*clink*
*clin
u are suposed to knock on watermelons befor u eat them to make sure that u are not eatimg anybodys home
You’re right, teenagers: We don’t know what you’re going through. The rest of us skipped straight from 12 to 20. Best decision we ever made.
*friends describing me on Dateline*
She was nothing special. Didn’t light up a room or anything. Just kinda blended into the wallpaper.
[at subway]
And just a little lettuce.
*the guy starts backing a truck full of lettuce toward my sandwich & the truck is beeping*
No wait.
Everything sounds good when you’re not listening.
ME: *puts my hair in a bun*
WAITER: gross
Well, time to go to bed & remember that I started and abandoned a huge organizing project that involved putting a bunch of stuff on the bed.
Why are all of these OnlyFans accounts following me? I’m not going to pay for your nudes, I can look at myself naked in the mirror for free
i’m very suspicious about solar panels. they sit outside sunbathing and they. make energy? yet when i do that i just become a big red freckle? something odd is going on here and it makes me uncomfortable
The bear sleeping bag is completely awesome.
Man: *shaking collection tin* please sir, for alcoholics
Me: *taking the tin* wow, that’sh sho kind, thankshh!
It’s OK, The Phantom Menace. I also came out in 1999 and am a bit disappointing
My girlfriend was bitten by a chicken. Now every full moon I’ll have to date a were-chicken.
Him: I really like your car
Me: Thanks!
H: What is it?
Me: Uh……black?
I am far too familiar with the bathroom floor to ever be judgemental of anyone else’s life decisions.
Boss: Read me one of your funny tweets
Me: Not right now I’m working
Boss: Bahahahaha tell me another one
Valentine’s Day is a stupid and made up holiday unless someone wants to give me a present in which case I really believe in celebrating it
I cannot stop thinking about how the director of Con Air’s previous directing credit was 10 years earlier and it was the music video for Rick Astley’s Never Gonna Give You Up.
Use helium in your air guitar to hit those extra high notes.
Too embarrassed to buy “skinny jeans”?
Simply buy normal jeans and put on a shitload of weight.
“The 27 Worst Things About Going To Stock Photo University” – something I made years ago and I just found it archived, and I’m pasting it here in a thread
ME: [knocks on ambulance window]
PARAMEDIC: Can I help you?
ME: Are you carrying a patient?
PARAMEDIC: Not at the moment.
ME: Mind if I nap on the stretcher?
Child just ran by screaming WHERE’S THE PLUNGER GET TOWELS LOTS OF TOWELS so anyway how is your day going?
Elton John: 🎵Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday🎵
Me: Jesus Christ, we’re just going bowling.
I think college costs are so high because at that point parents are willing to pay anything to get their kids out of the house.
Science can’t explain why your bathroom is at least 9x further away from your bedroom at 1am
I don’t care what nutritionists tell you- tortilla chips ARE a meal. It has everything your body needs:
1.) Tortilla chips
[invention of blue cheese]
“this cheese has gone off”
sell it
“but it’s gone mouldy”
I SAID SELL IT!
“fine”
& double the price
“are u ok?”