Lost my job at Tree Humpers anonymous for asking if everyone was ‘logged in’
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Always get double toppings on take out pizza so you can eat one of the toppings off as an appetizer during your drive home.
When I was at the Dollar Store, I saw this cat food called “Alley Cat” and all I could think was with a name like that why not save yourself a buck and just feed your cat out of the trashcan?
I’m embarrassed to live in a world that’s allowed 9 fast and furious movies
People are like, “You’re not allowed to have a favorite child.” Blah, blah, blah.
And I’m like, “BUT YOU SHOULD SEE THIS KID SHOVEL SNOW!”
The fall of Netflix
It was pouring rain. As I walked into the store, my feet slipped & I slid toward a random man walking out. He had a huge bag of pet food on his shoulder. The panicked look on his face as he tried to decide whether to drop the bag & grab me or NOT was a like a whole Russian novel.
You don’t know awkward and uneasy until you’ve seen the way I hold a cat.
[being buttered]
Me: are you sure about this
Murderer: [stops buttering] you know what I brought the wrong knife
Happy Victorian Christmas, the sparrows are coming for us all
HER: I like talking during sex, but I can’t stand it when you narrate the whole thing
ME: As she complains, I begin removing my pants slowly
Marriage is about understanding what irritates your spouse and using it strategically.
Planning sweet revenge on my wife: Once she’s napping, I’m gonna burn the shit out of some popcorn
Interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills
Me: yes that number is zero
I’m gonna date the first guy to come out of this “Free STD Screenings!” van.
#goodplan
How do you stop babies crying when you drop them? And don’t say ‘garbage disposal’ because that’s jammed now.
[detention facility]
Jeff: I’m in for littering what are YOU in for?
Jeoff: loitering
Leo: Your natural selfishness will play to your advantage today when you spot a donut in the hands of a child you could easily overpower.
I’m starting to think some of you might be taking marijuanas
Childhood prepared me for more people tearing off masks to reveal their true identity as an old man.
PSA:
Drinks had at a work christmas party will get you drunk at least 50% quicker than drinks had when with friends
You can tell how much it’s going to cost you by the way your teenager sounds:
Mum! = £2 for an ice cream
Muuuum 🙂 = £50 for pointless trainers
Hello mummy, you look pretty today = remortgage the house
[work email]
Me: Can I meat the new guy?
Boss: Meet? Okay, sure…
Me: Great!*hides bag of steaks*
Finding out that my kids take the “freeze” “unfreeze” game seriously might be the greatest moment of my life
*wonders how long they’ll stay frozen for*
One hamburger please
CHICK-FIL-A: Sorry we only serve chicken here
Oh
*leaves*
*comes back wearing a chicken costume*
One hamburger please
If we’re out of croutons, I’ll just turn the toaster upside down and shake it over my salad.
To impress the guys I told them I was dating an artist. I didn’t tell them her preferred medium was sandwiches.
*sees window washer in a harness outside office high rise*
*holds up sign from desk*
YOU’RE NOT EVEN FLYING EVERYONE CAN SEE THE STRINGS
If you burned CDs for the car so your original copies wouldn’t get scratched, it’s time to schedule your colonoscopy.
greys anatomy is so unrealistic. there is no way you can have sex in a place that smells like a hospital
No matter who wins this election, there’s still only a 50% chance that the ice cream machine at McDonalds will be working.