I like that they snuck the word “strum” right in the middle of “instrument”
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team rocket: that boy’s pikachu is special
meowth: hey
team rocket: we need it
meowth: im literally the only pokemon who can talk
team rocket: that pikachu is so unique no other pokemon will do
Meowth: guys
team rocket: only that pikachu is deserving of love
Hell hath no fury like a kid watching his friend sporting the same toy he broke a while ago
ME: hey boss it looks like I bit off a little more than I could chew
MORTICIAN: you’re so fired
Being a little kid is so wild. You just learned that chicken nuggets come from chickens, your mom’s brother is your uncle, and you just got your first paycheck from the tooth fairy. Life is good.
“WHAT DO WE WANT?”
i havent decided yet
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?”
i still need a few more mins with the menu you are a really terrible waiter
M: Wanna try tantrum sex?
W: You mean “tantric”?
M: *stomps feet* Fine! We’ll do it your way!
Coworker: You look tired.
Me: Apparently I also look approachable but I’m really not.
NASA has no chill
I was kicked out of mime school once. I hadn’t put the safety lock on and my finger guns went off. The whole class took cover in their boxes
My boss used to call me “the computer”. Nothing to do with intelligence. I go to sleep if left unattended for 15 minutes.
Just overheard someone describe their hike as “it was like mountain climbing, but flat”
calling dibs, but dibs never calls me back 🙁
Him: *seeing my apartment for the first time* I see you’re kind of a minimalist
Me: yes that is correct, I am very poor
If this whole twitter thing doesn’t work out, we can all get jobs writing for a company that makes mildly disturbing fortune cookies.
Teen horror movies taught me one thing. Vampires really want to hang around with us.
I can’t wait for my mom to come to my new house so she can tell me how I organized the kitchen wrong.
Did you really get a crocodile tattooed around your belly button?
-IT’S AN ALLIGATOR KAREN. GOD YOU’RE SUCH AN IDIOT.
You shouldn’t sneak up on me like that, it’s rude!
Cop –
So ! Technically it’s YOUR fault I was speeding, because I didn’t see you
Screw your Twitter Crushes and Twitter Husbands and Twitter Nemeses. I want a Twitter Penguin. I want a pet penguin, but only on Twitter.
Mom: here comes the plane!
Baby: *seinfeld voice* what’s the DEAL with airplane food!?
ME [being stabbed by a stingray]: This pancake seems angry.
[Pet Store]
Clerk: Ma’am what can I help you with today?
Me: hi I’d like to buy this line
C: You mean snake?
M: Yes your largest worm please
I asked my kid to sweep the floor and she said “Okay, but only if I can mop too”, so now I need to figure out whose baby I accidentally took home from the hospital
Cauliflower’s mom: you can be anything you want baby
Broccoli’s mom: [arranging marriage with cheese] this is all you get, sweetheart
*painting your nails* one hand : perfect. other hand : looks like a blind cat did it.
*shoving a bunch of random food containers and lids into my cabinet without organizing or stacking them in any way, quickly closing the door before they can topple* I probably won’t regret this later
I very much doubt that actual military commandos go into battle without underwear on.
Speak when you are angry and you will make the best speech you will ever regret. – Ambrose Bierce