[Burying dinosaur bones]
Dog Aliens: We’ll come back for these later
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Me: Doctor, I’m not ready to be a father yet.
Doctor: Your daughter is 10.
I dont have a “college fund” bc my youngest will most likely get a scholarship and my oldest thinks all dogs are boys and all cats are girls
I had to ban two of my kids from being in the same room together.
Somehow, they still caused problems, so I sent them to different floors of the house.
Then I made one go outside and one stay inside.
For the next step, I’ll have to banish them both to different states.
Can’t, just found out I’m way behind on my 6th grade math homework.
Me: Chris Pratt and Anna Faris are separating.
Wife: Who gets the raptors?
Amazon packaging #BlowsMyMind
“The Sun is dying. We need help” the scientists are speechless. Cool Dad kicks in the door & removes his shades “It’s daylight savings time”
my 10 year high school reunion is in August which means I have 2 months to lose 40 pounds and get engaged to Michael Cera
I started a book club. A coloring book club. There’s a line to get in. We’re never on the same page. Nothing’s black & white. We’re well red
when u have to ignore grammar rules to make a tweet fit into 140 characters
I want to open a restaurant for divorcees but I can’t think of what to name it other than fed ex
wife: can you check something on my phone for me
me: sure what’s your passcode
w: our anniversary
m:
w: ANNIVERSARY
m: [sweating profusely]
They are adding commercials to Netflix so GenZ will finally understand and appreciate our struggle
Darth Vader: Join me on the Dark Side, Luke!
Luke: I’ll never join you!
Vader: We have flex hours and Pizza Fridays!
Luke: NOOOOOO!!!
It’s my Roomba’s birthday so I’m bringing him to the beach and I’m just gonna let him go crazy
Overheard a woman telling another woman “It’s $150 and she supplies all the turtles” and whatever it is, I’m in.
At Red Robin, you can substitute bottomless broccoli for bottomless fries. . . what kind of psycho wants bottomless broccoli? And who thinks it’s a substitute for fries?
TRUMP: Hillary won’t stand up to America’s enemies. I will.
*Gets into fights with Miss Universe, Gold Star family, and a baby*
What the hell is going on?
Sharks don’t like the taste of human flesh, which must mean they are drama queens who only eat people for attention.
my kid correcting me about a dinosaur fact
Me: i am not being ratatouilled by a mcnugget
The McNugget Rattatoulleing Me: PUT UR HAND IN THE DEEP FRIER
I don’t want to do exercise, but I want to have done exercise.
I caught my son chewing on electrical cords.
So I had to ground him.
He’s doing better currently.
And conducting himself properly …
Dogs are probably really excited about dog sledding before they find out what it actually is.
Loan officer: Mr. Minotaur, I’d love to help you but I dont think opening a china shop is a good idea.
My doctor asked me how much I weigh like anyone keeps track of that. Idk, Mark. Like 7 tires? 16 squirrels? Is that what you want to hear Mark? 87 ducks!?
imagine getting fired from the sperm bank for drinking on the job and having to constantly clarify that
Stop = Hammer time
Full stop = Grammar time